Today was the day. Things were agonizingly slow until chemistry class today, as if to purposely torture me. In chemistry, I checked out Old Crush's fantastic body one final time. It didn't make chemistry class any more bearable as it usually does, though. I really just felt nothing. She wrote "good Bye" (Yes, just like that) on the board as she left. I remembered being obsessed with her all those years ago.
Fun fact: When I was like 12 and obsessed with Old Crush, I thought I'd be terribly obsessed with her forever and always thought her last day of high school would be the most depressing thing in the universe for me, even though she was in like 8th grade at the time.
I just kind of zoned out at lunch. Girl Best Friend kept saying I did, anyway. I don't really remember anything. All I felt was anxiety. I barely ate.
I did everything I could to prolong the walk to French class. I went by Mrs. History Teacher's room and picked up some homework she had been too lazy to print off in the morning. I took baby steps. I stopped at my locker. But I couldn't dawdle forever, so I eventually had to make my way into the room. I put my stuff at my desk, but I did not sit. Instead, I waited for FCG to walk in. She did a few seconds later and started excitedly telling us that she got a better job for the summer. IG was not there, so I was able to do the following:
Me: It's your last day of school, isn't it?
FCG: Yeah, it is.
Me: You have no idea how much I'm gonna miss you. ((hug))
FCG: Aww... ((hugs back))
We watched some movie in class. I don't know. I didn't pay attention to it, though I appreciated the lights being off so no one could see me. I was much more interested in FCG. I watched the way the light from the window shone on FCG's hair and how it illuminated the soft blonde curls. I watched as she playfully poked and slapped British Girl, who was falling asleep. FCG was all I could see, and right then, she was the most beautiful girl in the whole damn universe. She was trying to get this other girl to touch her hair, and the girl wasn't too terribly interested, though she obliged anyway. Whenever she stopped, FCG would look at her with the same sad puppy kinda face she used to look at me with back when I'd refuse to touch her hair.
I felt like crying then, but the tears wouldn't come. I felt like that off and on all day, but fortunately for me, the tears wouldn't come, not even as I was driving home with my sister. They finally did come as I sat down to type this, though. I can barely even see the screen right now. I'm trying not to make much noise because I don't want my mom in here.
My newspaper teacher was a total bitch today and didn't let me go home. Yep, even though we weren't even doing a damned thing today. Wednesdays are our free days, meaning we sit on our asses and DO NOTHING in her classroom.
Me: Can I please go home?
Me: I don't feel very good right now, and it's the end of a Wednesday anyway.
Teacher: What do you plan to do at home?
Me: Umm, sleep? Study history? ...Cry? Some combination of the three?
British Girl: Come on, she has a HUGE history test Friday! And so do I. I think we should all go home.
Teacher: Why should I feel sorry for you? NO!
So when she left the room, I just got up and left too. Lots of people with cars do that on Wednesdays. She never actually does anything, just gets mad the next day. British Girl had tried a few minutes before me but was caught. It was like, the last 15 minutes of school anyway. I knew I'd have to pass by the annoying office lady to go home, so I instead found some of my friends and talked to them for a while. They temporarily made me feel better.
I stopped to get my chemistry books on my way out, and as I was leaving, FCG walked out of the bathroom! I don't know what she was doing at school so late; the seniors get out an hour earlier than everyone else. She smiled and waved excitedly at me like nothing was happening. I waved back and tried my best to smile too.
It just kills me that tomorrow I have to go back to school and continue on with all my bullshit classes like there was never a FCG. I won't even have anything to look forward to there anymore... She's not going to randomly smile at me in the halls. I'm not going to get to touch her hair during class. I'm not going to get to sort-of hold her hand again, or anything. There will be no one to entertain us in French class. There will be no anti-Queen Whorebag rants. There will be no super obvious closet remarks. Of course I can still talk to her, so these things won't be lost forever, but this whole thing still just sucks ass.
... I love you, FCG.