Agh. You know how sometimes you just -really- want to be in a relationship or something? It's like that.

I don't even remember what it's like to kiss someone but I remember really liking it. :P I bet it's better with someone you're actually attracted to and who actually thinks of you as the person you are (as opposed to a person you aren't)

Haha. It makes me feel like I'm undesirable, which, I think is kinda true (don't tell me it's not. I scare people away when I like them. I'm just... Awkward. Too open and a strange mix of trying too hard and not trying hard enough.) but I think it's also that I am just really picky.

Soyeah. Little bout of frustration. No big deal. I'll meet someone sooner or later. There are a lot of pretty neat people out there.

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Tomorrow we pay for my surgery, making it completely official and allowing me to relax. I might cry or something. I've been holding my breath for this long and now here it goes. It's actually really happening for real. (Wow what a redundant sentence.)

My aunt came to me this morning and said she was kinda freaked out because she read about a woman dying during knee surgery... And I'm getting surgery soon. It's almost kind of silly to worry about though, I think the chances of me dying on the drive to the hospital are far greater than the chances of me dying from a complication during surgery are.

It's probably not going to be perfect the first time... I'm getting keyhole and I'm borderline sized, so I'm probably going to need a revision somewhere down the road to get my chest as flat as I'd like... But revisions are free and if I can just throw a shirt on in the morning without thinking twice that's a huge deal and worth every cent and every minute of anxiety and heartbreak and ohmygod this is actually happening.

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My brain is all weird. My cat is missing again. We... I put up ads for her but nobody's called. It's weird, I was kind of mentally prepared for it because of the last time she went missing... And I'm not as upset as I should be. But I keep having dreams where she's here or where she turns up. It's like I've got all of these really intense emotions about it, but they're locked up somewhere in my subconscious. It's like there's this big safe door that only opens up when I'm sleeping.

I miss her though. She's aloof and whiny but also really sweet when she wants to be and I don't know what happened to her but I hope that she's not in pain, wherever she is.

...