When i was younger i thought the way i wish i could think now.

I remember the first time i heard the word gay was my ninth birthday, my cousin Terry who is now in prison for drug trafficking caught me playing house with my sister. She had a barby and i had a G-I Joe type of action figure. (Notice i have no idea how to spell the name of the more feminine doll, a strong sign of my masculinity if i've ever seen one.)

Even though i was playing with an army guy, my cousin strongly scolded me with his manly "I be so gangsta" voice. Calling my actions "Girly" and "Gay". I never asked him what being "Gay" meant, my reason for not asking was simple. I didn't want to look stupid in front of my cousin and sister when both of them obviously knew something i didn't.

Now that i think about it, my sister might've been faking her knowing what it meant too, she seemed a bit OVER disgusted with the claim of my supposed faggotry than most i've met. I've run into some real bigotry, but she really took the cake with the snarling and revulsion.

Back to the topic.

So the first time i heard the word gay, it didn't have a very strong positive impression. And as i grew, i kind of lost the word in my mind. It seemed to leave me in some strange lurking away in the dark sort of motion. In my small country town you rrarely heard the word in early-childhood. Nobody was gay. And those who were never told anyone, either that or they were like me and didn't know they were, let alone knew the word for it.

So i grew up feeling alone in my affection for my companions in football, scouts, and other manly activities. I can't tell you how many times i would wear an extra pair of swimming shorts when swimming with the more adorably attractive members of our child-like club of rascals.

I often laugh at my memories of pranks and small town adventures, considering them and picturing them in black and white tv screens. All of the episodes beginning with an introduction much like those found at the beginning of the Little Rascals. Only now with a new miscrient member. Closet Sam! The wonder queer!

But now that i'm at the age of seventeen, i feel as though i'm missing the innocents i once cherished. At my younger age, i wondered what i was. But now that i know, i feel partly hated.

Anyone else feel this way?

Or if you'd like, comment on my other random scrambled insanity.

Adios, my friends.