So today I got a call from my surgeon saying that the payment is due tomorrow...

Two things I want to make clear:

I was told that the payment was due two weeks before surgery. Not three. I understand that they've changed offices since then and that there may have been a mix-up. But I am also not responsible for the fact that I was not informed.

My dad already sent a payment; it's in the mail and hasn't reached them yet. It might not reach them until after tomorrow... He sent it under the impression that it had a week and a half to get there.

So he spoke to them and blahblahblah and now I'm paranoid that I'm not going to get surgery when I'm supposed to, again. He says that won't happen but he doesn't know what they're going to do any better than I do.

--

To make today even better, I (like an idiot) let a friend come over even though I shouldn't've because I felt bad (I always do this.) and then another friend showed up unannounced, which she has been doing 2-3 times a week recently, and I had a panic attack... Like I do almost every time she shows up because she never calls/IMs/texts/anything to ask me if she can come over first. She always walks all the way over here and if I'm home by myself I won't answer but if other people are here they'll let her in and I feel bad because she always walks all the way here but she really should let me know first but I'm too much of an idiot to actually express that to her.

So now I've locked myself in my room... I think they think I'm sleeping because that's what I do when I get stressed out about having people over... But I'm hungry and I feel kind of trapped, and kind of like throwing up.

There are some days I just need to be left alone. This is one of them.

Just.

Gah.

...

Sometimes I wonder if in the act of accepting my anxiety I'm allowing it to get worse. But at the same time, I've spent years trying to "face it" and it hasn't gotten any better. So I guess it doesn't make any difference.