I got all philosophical all of a sudden after my history test today. I'm not dead, obviously, but I don't know that I'm really and truly alive, either. It doesn't feel like I'm living. It feels like I'm waiting to live. Or something. I don't know. It sounded better and easier to follow in my head.
Today, FCG was sad because no one offered to touch her hair. I couldn't, as I was cramming for a chemistry test that made me rage harder than I have raged in a long, long time. IG did a lot of attention-stealing today, which was so not cool. She even laid her head on FCG's shoulder... HOW ABOUT NO. FCG did listen to me rage about chemistry, though, and she agreed. She took it last year, hated it, and made about the same (not so great) grades in it as I do.
FCG also said that women who can cook are "her kind of women." Hey, wait, what's that sound? Sssh... It sounds like the lock on a closet door jiggling, doesn't it? Maybe there's something--or someone--in there that wants to come out! Also, I must learn how to cook right now! But she did say something today that was a little depressing. It was along the lines of this:
"So, a bunch of people are interested in my friend, and I just feel left out. Why doesn't anyone like me like that? I'm just as cute as her, but no one likes me..."
AAAHHHH! It is so hard to contain myself when she says stuff like this! I like you, FCG! I think you're beautiful and hilarious and charmingly strange, and I want you to be my girlfriend so I can love on you and treat you like a goddess and make you realize how awesome you are! <3
In other news, today I studied math with this super cute cheerleader. Yes, I mean actually studied, not "studied," sadly. But she's cute, and she smells good. She kind of looks a tiny bit like FCG, except with straight hair and darker eyes and... Okay, so now that I think about it, maybe she doesn't look THAT much like FCG except for the fact that she's tall and blonde like FCG.
Anyway, that chemistry test made me want to strangle puppies. I hope chemistry dies in a huge fire. I don't think it's actually possible for a school subject to die in a huge fire, but whatever! It's the sentiment that matters!
So, I missed the test on Friday because I was on a school trip. I was not ditching school or anything like that, I was on a school trip for something that is much more relevant to me than stupid chemical equations. My chemistry teacher was well aware that I was on this trip. Keep this in mind. Anyway, so I got to the test today since it was my day to make it up. She handed me a test that was set up a little differently than she said it would be on Thursday when she was telling what kind of questions would be on there. Okay, whatever. But then I looked at it again.
It was twice as long as everyone else's test was, and a little over half of it dealt with stuff she barely even covered. My teacher mostly focuses on the equations and problems and things like that. We rarely go in-depth with the information parts of the chapters. When we do go over the things we read in the book, she doesn't spend much time on it or go very far in-depth. It takes maybe 15 minutes, and then she makes us do more problems and equations. This thing had at least 20 questions on that shit and only about 10 of the equations and stuff. (Everyone else had around 15 questions on their test.)
I should've handed it back to her, said, "You gotta be fucking kidding me," and left. I probably would've gotten a better grade, anyway. I can't BELIEVE this bitch thinks she's going to punish me for going on a SCHOOL TRIP. When I handed the tragic attempt at a test in, she fucking SMILED LIKE A PSYCHOPATH AND ASKED ME IF I DID WELL. I looked at her and flatly, almost rudely, even, said, "No." Her expression suddenly morphed into one that seemed to say, "EAT SHIT AND DIE, BITCH!" She asked why I didn't do well. I don't even remember what I said. I just stormed off.
Also, today as I was leaving school, there was a giant clusterfuck. I HATE the road in front of the school. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. After school, there's a crossing guard that occasionally makes cars stop. A truck and a little silver car were coming. I didn't have time to get in front of the truck, but I thought I had time to skip the silver car. I pulled out of the gate... and the crossing guard suddenly appeared and caused the truck to stop RIGHT where I needed to be. The other car DIDN'T FREAKING SLOW DOWN. So I was just sitting in the middle of the road. It was terrifying and a little embarrassing since I was still technically at school. I hate everyone who drives on that road. I really, really do. That road is always a huge clusterfuck. I just hate it so much. I wish they'd make a new road leading from the school that WASN'T STUPID. There's another way to get home that doesn't involve driving on the stupidest part of that road, but it's very bumpy, and my car is low to the ground, so it's not very fun. Still, I think I might go that way tomorrow.
In other news, the disgusting little brat I live with has gone off into yet another anti-gay rant. Bear in mind that, for some unknown reason, I'm not allowed to tell her I'm gay. I'm going to have a talk with my mom after she goes to bed and see if I can make my mom finally understand that this little bitch needs to be educated on these issues.
Brat Sister: Eeeew, you like gays! That makes you SUPER GAY!
Me: And so friggin' what if I am?
BS: THEN I'D CALL YOU GROSS AND MAKE YOU GO TO THERAPY TO MAKE YOU NORMAL AGAIN!
Me: You can't put people in therapy to make them straight. It doesn't work that way.
BS: YEAH IT DOES
Me: Shut up. Just... shut up. You don't even know anything on the subject, so just stop.
BS: I hate gays. They're just icky, and I don't like them.
Me: Well, that makes you no better than a racist or a sexist. You know how you just complained that girls couldn't do anything in the 1940s? It's because of people with your attitude. They're called bigots.
BS: WHATEVER, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT
Me: And if you're a bigot, everyone will hate you and you'll die alone with no friends.
Me: Well, you'll have to walk to school tomorrow since there are no bigots allowed in my car.
BS: ...Really? :(
Me: Yes, really.
BS: I'm telling Mommy.
Me: Well, our mom might be crazy right now, but I promise you she'll tell you that she doesn't raise bigoted children.
Then, I gave the little asshole the silent treatment until she nearly cried. Harsh? Maybe. Well-deserved? Hell to the yes. She threatened to tell our mom that I was "being meeeean," but I said that she'd have to tell her WHY I was being mean, and she balked at the idea. I think deep down she knows she's wrong.
Yes, the fact that I'm gay makes me a terrible person worthy of contempt and hatred. How dare I be turned on by women? How dare I think boobs are awesome? How dare I like FCG and want to show love and affection to her? Obviously, I am worse than Hitler, you guys! I should be locked up forever before I destroy society, right?
I don't even hear this shit at school anymore! I mean, no one's really openly supportive of gay people, but the people who used to be all, "EWW GAYS!" stopped being so vocal. Girl Best Friend used to hate gays when we were in middle school and were enemies, but now she doesn't at all. I guess I'd forgotten how irritating it is. The shock value has come back, at least, just like when it all started when I was 11.