This shall be interesting...

7 April, 2011 - 11:03pm — centerfielder08

So Mom did research and turns out that in the past, the group that's organizing tonight's ball has had people arrested and people tasered.

So I dont know if I can go.

My parents aren't really accepting, like, at all. There's so much guilt by me and shame in our family.

Outside of my parents, siblings, and siblings' significant other, nobody in my family (relatives) know about my mental health problems. I'm not allowed to tell them. When I go to their houses, I hide my medication in my suitcase and take it while they're in the shower, It makes me feel like a dirty person doing something wrong.

My parents dont tell anyone about me coming out as a lesbian. They get all judgmental when I want to go to a lgbt event here, even if I know someone going (like they wouldnt let me go to a school-sponsered, hence sober environment, last week for the drag show). I'm not allowed to tell the relatives, nor do they know of the following: my depression, my anxiety, my OCD, etc.

They ask if I like the new college I'm at and I'm expected to smile and nod. I say I love it so much, so many great people/great classes. Its all a fucking lie. I don't *hate* it here, but I'm not glad to be here.

I didn't switch because "roommate problems", okay?! I switched because I had to be taken to the ER to get a psych evaluation.

This is why I could never come out to them about my gender.

This is why right now I feel so annoyed and so dependent. I'm an adult. I hate making decisions and my Mom always makes me feel badly about it--compares me to others who are younger and can do more than me. Yet, now, when I've made the decision to go, she doesn't like it.

I don't avoid emptying the dishwasher because I forget. Sometimes I feel so shitty that I can't. I've been dissociating like crazy, depression's been ridiculously awful. I wish she'd understand that.

Frustratedly...
Eli.

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7 April, 2011 - 11:05pm — centerfielder08

Revision: the reason I left

Revision: the reason I left school was because someone was writing up incident reports all the times that I threatened to hurt/kill myself (though they didn't tell me about the reports at all), and so I was told I wasn't in the right shape to be there.

8 April, 2011 - 2:15pm — Meldiseus

Hey there big brother (^_^)

Don't let your mom make you feel guilty, you can't compare your self to others because it's not fair. Every one can probably do at least one thing better then you or me but at the same time we can both do at least one thing better then any of them could ever hope to.

And I'm sorry about the school, did they give you any warning or was it the get your stuff your out of here kind of deal?

Bye (^_^)

Depression is like a sickness, it'll go away as soon as you find the cure

9 April, 2011 - 4:25am — centerfielder08

Awwww, thanks so much.

Awwww, thanks so much. You're the best little sister I could ever ask for!!!!!!!!!!!

There was no warning, really. Plus, when I was telling the person (who was my RA, resident advisor) the first day of my depression and everything, she said that anytime I felt bad, I should tell her. I took her up on that. And I did tell her stuff. She gave me no hint that she was writing me up every time I told her, though. A couple times she made me call the counseling center's after hours emergency numbers, once took me to the hospital, but yeah that was it.
The meeting that the staff of the school had with me was unexpected...the meeting where the dean of the school said I had to go on a medical leave until I could get a psych evaluation saying I was stable enough.

Of course , I failed the evaluation. Yeah...

8 April, 2011 - 9:18pm — whateversexual_llama

Dearest gendertwin, this is

Dearest gendertwin,
this is something that makes me angry at society: "I'm not allowed to tell them...It makes me feel like a dirty person doing something wrong."

Even if you know inherently that you are not a dirty person and you are not doing something wrong, even if you know that you are a person with anxiety/depression issues doing his very very best to take care of himself, and being a fucking star about it, that kind of negative feeling towards yourself IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOUR DEPRESSION.

And of course you know this and of course you know that your parents should know this, and of course me telling you this doesn't help, but literally NOTHING pisses me off more than knowing that your family, those who should be supporting you and loving you and helping you get through this shit are doing that to you. It's not fair.

Have you given your parents info from PFLAG or a similar organization for parents and friends of those with depression/anxiety? Because it sounds to me like your parents need the therapy as much as you do. "what to expect when your expecting" doesn't help parents learn how to deal with queer/genderqueer/otherwise outside of the expectation children, and sometimes they don't know what the correct steps are. But if you're being put into this position, even if they don't mean to be doing it, it's not okay. They need a serious reality check. Making you hide your meds/queerness is detrimental to the process of you coming out of this.

Sorry for the angry rant. I love you, bro. Keep being your strong and remarkable self.

9 April, 2011 - 4:46am — centerfielder08

No, havent given my parents

No, havent given my parents any PFLAG info. I dont even know that they'd know what PFLAG is. They didn't know about the It Gets Better Project until last week.
They also have been involved in some previous therapy sessions (not actual ones because they would never hear me say half what I say in those sessions), but they were specifically family therapy to talk about my problems. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't talk about me in these sessions, but rather to my parents on how they can best be there for me considering my problems and not ignoring tthem and trying to have a "normal" relationship.

Thank you, yes...it makes my psych stuff and queerness get pulled down because of this.

I love you too. Thank you so so so so much, gendertwin.

and thank you for the male pronouns. I love em.

9 April, 2011 - 6:14am — whateversexual_llama

@male pronouns: what else

@male pronouns: what else would I use? =P

9 April, 2011 - 2:48pm — centerfielder08