Today was shitty. Worse than yesterday. I was so excited for therapy. Until my therapist told me that Friday is my last day.
I got so angry/furious, so stressed, so depressed, so sad. All at once. My therapist then had to meet with someone else and I just stared off into space in disbelief.
Then I didnt know how to express my anger because usually I just turn it in on myself. But then there were crayons at therapy so I broke one. And it felt temporarily better.
Then at the end of therapy I had this long-ass talk with my therapist and almost started crying.
I didn't cry though. I just got more depressed. Came home and felt sort of destructive so I broke a pen. The last time I had broken stuff was in 2009 when I was on a string of breaking pencils, pens, and toothbrushes. I even tried to break my phone but it was too sturdy.
This was also after seeing the list of diagnoses. It says I have OCD, but it didn't say Depression or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (I have all 3, but apparently since I'm in an OCD-based treatment, it only lists that for now). It also said rule out personality disorder. Which means there could be a personality disorder but it hasn't been diagnosed officially. FUCK. Fuckityfuckfuck.
I feel like shit now. And I have no one. Because my therapist is leaving me. And my dog who is the other one of the two that I trust (my dog and my therapist are really great, but in different ways), is 13.5 years old. So I don't know what I'm going to do for support.
After therapy I told my therapist about how much shit is going on in my head because of the ridiculous amount of stress I'm under right now. Today I had a final and Thursday I have an 8-10 page paper due, Friday is apparently my last day with this therapist, my friend is back in the hospital, and I lost a friend due to my liking other girls.
I told her that what it feels like is that my brain is screaming and I can't get it to stop. I just feel so awful. I don't really care about much and when I'm this triggered I can't eat so well.
Well, I guess that's enough ranting for now.
Oh and I guess I'll say this. Tomorrow I dont have any classes or anything so I just have to work on my essay/paper thing. And I'm getting a haircut. But then I'll call my friend who's in the hospital to see how she's doing. And I'll call my therapist to ask her stuff.
See what stresses me out so much is that I see her as one of my few supports. But I fear that she sees me as just another patient. Like she works on me as if I'm a fucking science project. How do I know that the day I finish therapy, within hours, she'll forget me? Because honestly, I dont think I've done anything for her.
So I'm thinking I'll call her and tell her that. I dont mean that in a manipulative way in any means. That's just how I feel.
Back to writing my paper. What a joy. Not.