So last night I went to the party with the girl, Kr...a friend? I guess she's a friend.
Anywayyy...
I texted my therapist after my mom was being weird and annoying. I told my therapist that I know I want to go but I don't know how to convince my mom.

Long story short, with the help of some coaching from my therapist, I got through it and talked with my mom and went to the party.

The party was ridiculously enjoyable. It was great great great great. I'm so in love with it.

Of course, when I went home and after having a good time, I bullied myself mercilessly because I hate myself especially after having a positive experience.

So then after the party, my friend, Kr and I went outside the place where the party was and she and I just sat on the ground, our backs against a gate with amazing graffiti on it (I'm a sucker for graffiti), and just talked. Others were smoking around us, but neither of us are smoking. We talked about everything. Even some about gendered clothing.

We then decided to go home. It was in a sketchy neighborhood so she was to drive me home (as opposed to me taking a public bus). It was a great drive home as we were screaming-singing to the songs that were playing on the radio. It was great because she and I listen to the same music and both of us loved 2 of the songs that came on. One was S&M by Rihanna (we are both in love with that song), and the next Grenade by Bruno Mars (and then spoke about Bruno Mars' amazingness).

So we had an awesome time and then we get to my house. And she asks if she can pull in my driveway and I said yeah, sorta hesitantly not knowing what to expect. She says she's going to walk me to my front door and she does. And then requests that I invite her inside and she'd introduce herself to my parents. It was 11:15pm and my parents had never met Kr before. I'm 99.99999% sure she was doing it as a friend, being that I'm pretty sure she's straight, but it was all so...romantic. I can't help but think that. Goodness, I love her.

Oh and there's this weird feeling I have about someone...like a crush but more of like my awe in this girl's (not Kr, someone else) appearance. She's gorgeous. Only problem is how I know the girl, which are conditions that I can't write about in a public journal but am willing to discuss in PMs, I could never pursue anything with her. I've never even spoken to her but why's she have to be so goshdarn attractive?

Maybe its because I see in her the life of freedom and liberal-ness I never had, a life of avoiding mainstream at all costs. But I just wish I looked like her, no, that's not true. I just wish I could say hi.

I had to stay after in therapy today to talk to the doctor and two therapists there about this weekend/Monday/Tuesday and we were coming up with a plan for me. Its a rough weekend because of the stupid date coming up. So one of my homework assignments for group therapy is for me to call my therapist if I need her this weekend, especially this weekend. Usually I'll sort of putting off doing that if I can just because since I have to leave her soon, I want to try depending on her less.

And I feel like asking for help makes me sound weak.

Saw the doctor. Told her about past trauma that I hadn't mentioned to her before. Came out to her. And told her about the shit I've been dealing with lately...parents, home, school stuff, all that sort. It was heavy shit, but I feel relieved for telling her. Also nervous, but she didn't yell at me when I said any of it, so I guess that's what she's there for...and that its good I said something (and would be worse and more harmful for me to not say anything).

It was hard talking about the trauma and I couldn't even say it. I wrote it down and showed her and then we talked about it and I was all awkward about it and wouldn't look her in the eyes.

~~Eli.