I was talking to my friend um... I need nicknames.
Red. I might've called him this here before actually. I was talking to Red about that kid I'm attracted to that I shall nickname um. Teal, while I'm going with colors.
Anyway Red has had this issue with being jealous of Teal for a while. And then I mentioned that I had a crush on Teal and then Red got worse. And then he was all "bluhbluh" and I thought for a while that he had a crush on me (which, he still might.) but he didn't want to so he was being awkward.
But then I kinda assumed that he was over it and I didn't talk about Teal as much because I was getting over him.
But then Teal broke up with his boyfriend recently and like... I guess it's just weird for me because I don't really have any interest in perusing a romantic relationship with him anymore. I'm honestly satisfied with how things are between us... But I'm still attracted to him in some ways, and because he's the only person I'm attracted to that makes things kinda awkward for me. And I dunno. It's not a big deal but I was thinking about it absently so I mentioned it. Because Red is the kind of friend that I just mention stuff I'm absently thinking about with.
And I was mentioning this to Red and he's all "okay so lemme explain why I've been jealous of Teal."
And then he does. He goes "you're my first real best friend and I'm sososo comfortable around you and I trust you and that's rare for me. And I feel like you feel that way around Teal but not with me, but I'm probably just being paranoid" only with more words and more gushing.
And it sucks because he hit the nail on the head, and I don't know what to tell him.
I mean, he's right. He's right and he wants me to tell him that he's not... But I can't. I'm so so sick of letting people think I feel ways about them that I don't and I don't want to lead him on emotionally and I don't want to hurt him.
And I dunno. I feel really guilty but I don't want to change how I feel, not that I could if I wanted to anyway.
...But tomorrow (later today?) I'll clean up my room and comment on people's journals, and Friday I get a new guitar, and Saturday Teal is coming up for about a week. =] I miss him.