So I was having a pretty shitty night, still sort of am, but I found a glimmer of courage...enough to get the guts to say that I needed help. I texted my therapist and knowing that what was going on was not appropriate to discuss in text, I asked her if she'd be able to talk when I called her.
I waited for a response and then she texted back and told me that she'd call me in a few minutes.
So she called and we stayed on the phone for about half an hour. And she reiterated what I was saying to myself about how to get through this rough patch. Hearing it in someone else's words made it more believeable and tangable. If I say hopeful words to myself, I feel even worse because I don't believe it.
Anyway, she is the greatest.
And then the best thing in the world was when she said she didn't know if she told me this or not (she hadn't), but she's thinking of starting her own private practice in the nearish future. And that if she does, I should feel free to call her up and be her patient.
Right now she doesn't work in a private practice, but rather a large corporation so that's why she can't continue seeing me after I leave my current group. That and I need to make myself anxious in order to ultimately grow by exposing myself to change.
But do you know how happy that makes me? That gives me worlds of hope. Its like, all the shit in my head about ending my life got pushed back. Because the opportunity to be able to work with her again just makes living that much less painful.
I told her while I was on the phone with her that "I mean this in the least weird way possible, but the reason I like working with you so much is you're..you're a real person" and went on to explain she's not the other therapists I've had who I just imagined slept and lived in their offices. I know she's a real person and it makes it so much better. I used to think all my other therapists were otherworldly. I don't think that about K. I think she has one of the best personalities of absolutely anyone I know but I acknowledge the fact that she has her flaws.
But yeah. The date is coming up, but I have faith in myself. Well, right now as I'm writing this, I do. Maybe not later tonight, maybe not tomorrow. But this one glimmer of hope is good enough for now.
The urges to hurt myself and end my life are still there, but the urges to end my life have greatly decreased. And the urges to hurt myself, well, I've been able to use some perspective and think about the consequences and how much it would ruin a lot of what I'm shooting for right now.
Earlier today, I didn't think I'd be able to make it to 11:59pm tonight without hurting myself. For now, hurting myself is on the back burner. Its not my number one priority. Rather, I have other things I want to get done first.