I really don't know what's going to happen between me and Boyfriend right now, so I need to vent my feelings.
This will be reallllly emotional and stupid and I already hate it. But I make alot of connections when I write, so...
I feel like we're both falling out of love with each other.
and it hurts really bad because I just DON'T want it to happen. I love him! I just... Don't know anymore.
He's been so distant. And like, not affectionate or attracted to me. And that is probably the number one thing I ever have a problem with, with people. I just hate it when people act like they don't care about me when they used to. Being abandoned is a feeling that I feel alot, and it's like, my fear. I don't want Boyfriend to abandon me, but...
We've had arguments every night this week, and every night I go to bed crying. Like tonight, I said I loved him because I was going to bed, and he didn't say it before he said goodnight...
And then he ignored it...
He blamed it on not seeing it, but he replied to the text?... and all I said was I loved him. Like, it really gets me worried, and it's stupid.
And then he got all mad because I just wanted him to say he loved me
and i mean
if you're gonna be mad because you have to say you love me i don't really think you love me anymore
and he has never been really intimate or heartfelt with me this relationship and he used to be so much
i thought this time was better but i guess it isn't?
and so i keep complimenting him in hopes of him getting into th emood and he won't
and so i finally confronted him and he gets so mad and says "he doesn't feel like he has to" get heartfelt with me
and for the first time
i feel like cutting again.
and that is really hard to admit.
i feel so lonely
so lonely and ugly and worthless.
(but don't tell anyone)
some of the best friends I make end up stopping talking to me
or hanging out
and i hate it
like what did i do wrong? my attitude off of oasis is different than on oasis for sure. i'm just so stressed out...
i'm usually strong enough to hide it and pretend but lately,
so i'm sorry i've been extra bitchy
nothing's going right for me right now
and i think
if it doesn't get better
maybe it's time to just let him go.
he doesn't seem to want me anymore anyways... he can't even call me beautiful when i had an emotional breakdown because i felt ugly
he "shouldn't have to tell me that"
he can't bring himself to compliment me even when i'm bawling.
but i'm bawling because he never tells me
it builds up
it pours out
i can't get away from how bad i feel about myself anymore.
i wish faces were like clay
so i could carve bits away
until i was pretty enough for him again