Me, in Words
So I saw the new therapist again today. I still don't like her. And she made me talk about shit today and then it was like "okay, its time to go" and I wanted to yell and scream at her. I was so mad with her and so sad. Walking to the bus I had a hard time not succumbing to tears. I really wanted to.
Last week was not good at all. This weekend was fine. But the urges are back with me today. Not that they're ever not with me, but they were more manageable during the daytimes this weekend. Night times are tough. But today, the day, was hellish. I'm so sick of it. Like really, I cannot stand this. It monopolizes my life.
I cannot help but call myself names. They're really rude names because I have so little self-respect. I wish that I was nicer to myself but its hard. Yesterday I kept calling myself a monster. Am I a monster?
I haven't heard back from BusGirl. Only heard back from her that once over email but nothing since then. I'm sad.
I've been clean for nearly four months now.
I've been off Facebook since March 4, 2011.
I wish I had someone to help with this depression. Someone to help guide me through it. Is one best friend really that much to ask for?
Today was a shitty day. Not counting the fact that I have a final exam tomorrow morning. But in the early hours of the morning my good friend was hospitalized. Excuse my French but FUCK.
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Comments
Oh you're in my thoughts
You've really had a crapy time!*Hugs* this too shall pass, but for now it stinks... good luck :( :)
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you, then you win." -M. Gandhi
Aw, thank you so
Aw, thank you so much!
*Hugs*
You are most definitely NOT
You are most definitely NOT a monster. I know sometimes that people telling you that you're not a monster doesn't help sometimes, but this time, I hope it does.
I wish I could be your best friend. Because honestly, I think you're awesome. I probably don't know you well enough to think that you're awesome, but I still think you are. *smiles*
Syd--Thank you. Its
Syd--Thank you. Its actually a lot easier, believe it or not, for me to believe what others say than to believe what I myself say. So I appreciate the fact that you said I'm not a monster.
I'd love to be your best friend.
Aw, and thanks. You're too sweet.
*hugs and smiles*
So, does this mean you won't
So, does this mean you won't be getting to see your other awesome therapist?
Oh, Eli. You make my little heart ache. I know we don't really know each other very well, but I still care about you, believe it or not. You view yourself as a monster, when you're truly not. Maybe you're afraid to see yourself as a good person because you don't believe you deserve to think good thoughts about yourself. I dunno. If that be the case, then that is a habit that must end.
For every negative thought you think about yourself, try giving yourself one compliment. That's what I did for awhile. It may or may not work for you.
Guess what? You get another one of these! (>^.^)>
Well, I'm going to see my
Well, I'm going to see my awesome therapist a little bit more, until they decide to discharge me from the group therapy program...which I'm SO not looking forward to.
All those things you said to me, about me...they're really sweet of you. I appreciate it quite a lot.
Those are some great hugs right there.
Yeah I call myself a monster because I never see the positives in myself--only the negatives. And I know that if I let myself feel "good" or even "okay," soon enough it will all come crashing down anyway.
I appreciate your response so much because it helps...not just what you said, but what everyone else posted here as well. It makes me feel loved. Which is probably pretty stupid since I don't *know* any of you, but that's how I feel--loved and cared for.
eeep gendertwinbrofriend i
eeep gendertwinbrofriend i feel so bad that i haven't been there for you this weekend. and like even worse i kept crapping out on you like a dickface and i feel really guilty. i'm home now so i have real time where we can really talk.
you aren't a monster, eli, you're superfabulous! i'm really sorry about the situation with the new therapist; that's so rough. and give busgirl a few more days before you start worrying tooo much. she'd be stupid to forgo friendship with you. =]
*love and hugs*
*seconding all of this*
Except for the gendertwin part. Because you're not my gender twin. Haha.
Eli you are a lovely person and definitely not a monster. I'm sorry about all of the crud you have to put up with. :[ Stay strong and feel better soon.
Its okay. Thank you. And I
Its okay. Thank you.
And I swear I'm going to PM you back, Riku. I'm sorry its taken me so long.
hey. its okay. its not
hey. its okay. its not yourfault. i know you were busy.
and thanks.
awwww. youre the best gendertwinbrofriend EVAAA.
*love and hugs* back.