Props to Riku. I kinda stole your title... :)
I haven't written anything on here in a long, long time. I want to feel connected to something. I turn on my music and turn down the lights and get comfortable to journal. Sitting here with my mac and hearing the tap of the keys is like reconnecting with an old friend.
I say that I want to feel connected, but at the same time I feel so different from all of you. I'm not sure why exactly. This could be the longest journal in the history of gayness.
I'm going to therapy again. I took something short of a 5 month break. I'm fairly certain that is the worst choice I have ever made. I've managed to fuck everything up. Times 8 million.
I have an amazing girl. And I came millimeters from losing her permanently. Im just destructive I guess. I break everything I touch. The ridiculous thing? I came to my rock solid realizations in the midst of a hang over.
A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I flew to LA. There was alcohol and shenanigans. My girl called and things exploded. I lied, she was angry. It was fucked up. I am fucked up.
Last weekend, my roommate threw a party. In which I drank too much for the first time in my life and ended up very very wasted. As the 3rd generation of a family of alcoholics I'm not proud of myself. One of the people there kept kissing me. I was drunk in my own home and if my best boy bff hadn't been there, I would have been that girl who had drunken sex at a party. He ended up kicking everybody out and going all gay man fabulous attitude on them. if I hadn't been puking up the mass quantities of alcohol i consumed, I might have found it funny.
As it was, I ended up crying on my bathroom floor about how I fucked everything up and how she couldn't possibly love me any more. And how much I missed Meghan(my girl/duct tape goddess). In front of my ex who recently confessed her love and my two best friends and of course, the porcelain god. I ended up sit/laying in boy bfffffs' lap and intermittently puking into the toilet. Evidently, I have rather good aim for a drunk girl. It could have been much much worse. I cried on and on about how much I loved her.
I am a damn fool for treating her the way I did for the last few months. I thought I didn't need her in my life, didn't need her love. I was beyond wrong. Between last weekend and this one, I spent most of the time I wasn't working, crying and being sad about us not being together.
Things are better now. A little. I went to therapy. I've forgotten how to love and be kind. It's rather obvious. She stayed the night on Sunday. We aren't together, but it's just the title that separates us. The one thing that hasn't changed: Our inability to keep our hands to ourselves. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but making love is a step towards making love last.
My therapist thinks I'm bi-polar. I'm terrified. Depression, seasonal depression, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, anxiety, asthma, allergies. What else is there? I feel like a walking add for prescription drugs. My license plate even says ADD on it.
My dad and I didn't talk for most of the month. I went over to my parents' house for Easter. Things were good. I know that I don't see them often enough. I think it's part of my depression. I tend to isolate.
I even went to Easter mass. I'm a catholic lesbian hippie. It's an odd but attractive combination if I do say so myself. :) I go to confession a few times a week. Weird huh? I literally live feet from a Catholic church. It seems kismet.
My puppy has been sick. He's better now. I was really worried about him. We had to take him to the er vet at 1am Monday night.
This journal really jumps about and doesn't adhere to any timeline. If you've made it this far, you must be highly confused. I have trouble tracking days, so I might as well make your lives hard too. :)
My 21is birthday is weeks away. June 11th. After Saturday night, I am in no rush for more alcohol, but I'm kind of excited to go to a restaurant and order a drink. I have two weeks off of work around my birthday. Paid time off. I guess this means I joined the dark side and I'm an adult. My own apartment, I own my car, I work for the federal government (haha, but it's true) and I've got a dog. Surreal.
It's officially after 1am. Both the dog and the cat are snoring and have been for an hour or more so it's probably time I joined them.