Uhm, I think I can pass now. EXCITINGNESS.
I got just about all my hair chopped off. I'm not saying I got a trim and exaggerating the importance. No, I got several inches taken off...gone. And with it, a good deal of the certainty that everyone else seems to have that I'm a girl. I think this new cut may make people do a double take.
And I'm glad. I dont want people to be certain about me.
So I dont have any classes left in this semester, but I will be taking summer classes. So that's cool. But they'll meet me as this PERSON (not girl, notice) with the short short hair.
I can't wait to see what people at therapy say. I didn't tell them that I was going to get a haircut. And none of them know my gender-y stuff and they don't even know I like girls. So...this'll be a shock.
I had a long conversation with my therapist on the phone today and started to cry. When we hung up, I was sobbing.
I have this thing where I need people to say the perfect thing in a conversation. When they don't, I keep analyzing how I should've said things so that they say things perfectly. I do it for past conversations and conversations that have yet to happen. And then I turn it into something else to blame myself for.
I started talking to my therapist and she was saying not such helpful stuff. But then she started to say the perfect things (which are hard to say because half of the time, I don't even know what I want to hear). And everything she said meant, no, MEANS (present tense) so much to me.
One thing that is sticking with me of what she said was "You know...I wasn't unaffected by this relationship..." That made me feel about a hundred million times better. It shows she cares. That I'm more than just a name and a list of diagnoses to her.
I don't know that I'll need to ask her for a hug this Friday (my fucking last day, unless I sway her into changing it to Tuesday of next week)...she may give me one on her own. I don't know. I'm sad to leave this punk-rocker-queerfriendly-therapist-chick.
Just thinking about leaving her makes me sad and my chest feels like it sort of closes up. That and I haven't eaten dinner yet and so I'm hungry. So maybe I should do that.
But yeah. I'm a little more clear-headed than last night. And (TRIGGERWARNING...)
I surprisingly was able to keep safe last night even when I thought I was going to hurt myself (not kill myself), but the more temporary stuff.
Therapist and I were texting all of last night to try and get me through the night. And I did. I made it through without going back and starting the self-harm cycle again. It was hard, but I'm trying my best.
Thanks, everyone, for all the support you guys/gals/anything in between , have given me. You are all so great and I'm so lucky to have you.