I don't expect anyone to understand this. It's just what I've been feeling.
In my self imposed exile I've been subjected to many things and what I've gained has been an immense and almost incomprehensible connection. This connection is Spiritual, not religious. As far as a religion went for me, it almost has no association with Spirituality.
On Saturday I was typing to dear friend on a chat room and he discussed with me his beliefs and I confessed my beliefs to him, he understood me and I understood him. But since the conversation with my father's friend I've been thrown into a realm of uncertainty. I now am wondering what it is I should seek and what I shouldn't. I've seen many things in a short time here, but yet there's much more to see.
My father's friend told me that God is love he is not am entity of hate and prejudice. God is the only one who can see what I've done and he won't hold anything against me as for any person. To be a person with wants and needs and one who makes mistakes... to be forgiven by his love is the greatest feeling I know. That he could forgive any one person and give us new life, the way it was meant to be.
When coming home I saw a car with a rainbow stripe on the back of it and the car in front of it had a little fish with Jesus in the foreground of the fish. I almost felt like crying because I can only imagine the negativity brought to the name God by religion. I've now left all religion aside. There are still some good religious people, but I need to look and find the path for me.
"Nothing is real" said my father's friend. I now struggle with that thought. I am blind and I still don't see. "I just want to know if there's anything I can do to be a good person before God." as soon as I had said this to my Former Teacher, I don't remember exactly what she said. I didn't want to hear it. It something along the lines of "That's great to be able to openly voice your wanting to be a good person before God" she almost seemed taken aback. I of course just said "Well I'm sure there are many people who say the same thing".
Former teacher found this to be profound. I just don't know what to think. I now feel more close to God than I ever have. The love and grace of God is greater than anything I've ever known.