Postcards From the Queen: Toilets Agree to Disagree

Super Duck's picture

My room smells digsusting. I don't understand... There isn't anything in here to make it smell so bad. I have smelled every single thing in here and can't find the source of it at all. It only smells gross at the doorway, but there's absolutely nothing by the doorway to make it smell the way it does. Febreeze has done nothing. I can't make it stop smelling so gross. I am so confused. Also, this time change has me allll messed up. I am never tired or hungry when I should be.

Anyway, so I don't have much to talk about since it's Spring Break. My life is very non-interesting. No FCG + neverending amounts of Brat Sister and Mom = VERY unhappy Super Duck. My sister threw a giant fit tonight because her tooth was loose, and I told her to pull her own tooth. (There is no way in hell you could get me to reach into that child's garbage disposal-esque mouth. Well, maybe if you promised to take me to the Japanese restaurant for shrimp tempura rolls and/or promised to let me see FCG.) She then called our grandma, so Granny came over. Then, Brat Sister grabbed Granny's phone and changed the settings on it. Granny fails at technology, so I changed it back for her, and Brat Sister screamed, cried, and tried to beat me up. Umm... What?

And I am definitely having FCG withdrawals. A week without my evil totalitarian monster dictators from the bowels of hell chemistry and history teachers is great, but a week without French class is soooo not. If I don't get to play with her hair RIGHT NOW, I will DIE IN A FIERY EXPLOSION OF SAD RAINBOWS AND LONELINESS! Okay, yeah, that's overreacting, but FCG withdrawals are so not cool.

Also, I am having a huge conflict about my driver's license, which I should be able to get this week after I get a problematic wire in my car looked at, but only if I don't need the stupid paper from school. If I do need the stupid paper, then I'll get it next Monday, but I'm really scared. I know how to drive, and I know exactly what to do in my head. I can think about it and know what I need to do, but when I actually do it, I get scared. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that when I drive, my dad is always there, and he feels the need to criticize EVERYTHING. He'll even randomly say shit probably designed specifically to work me up, such as, "What if you turned and that car over there smashed into you?" and stuff, and it's like... I'm not going to do that, so why even freak me out? :(

But I am also mainly scared of driving to school. I know exactly how to get there, of course. That's not the problem. The problem is the fact that there are two places I can park, and one is scary and the other is irritatingly far away.

Also, do you know what would make the best movie ever? THIS:

On a dark and stormy night, a playa', after eating an expired sandwich, wants desperately to sing on Broadway, but at the same time must (with the help of a member of a street gang) win the contest.

Sorry, the Title Generator I use also has a Plot Generator. :P I think this would be an amazing movie. We just have to add an epic battle between communist zombies and legions of genetically-enhanced pink and purple kittens, some bitchin' metal music, cheesy special effects, and some Super Duck + FCG love. And do you know what such an epic masterpiece would be called? Pylodictus! This word apparently means "flatheaded catfish." I think they could play a role in the movie too. Maybe they could be the ones who resurrected the zombies or something.

Dude, the playa' in question could be a huge nerd who was secretly badass and somehow got all the ladies. He would have a trippy dream one night after passing out due to eating a gross expired sandwich. In his dream, he would be an aspiring Broadway singer whose voice coach was a hardcore street dude. They would live in a world oppressed by the Communist Zombies, who hated everything ever. But a legion of heroes, the Technicolor Kittens, would be plotting to change that. The Technicolor Kittens would be inexplicably led by two human girls with epic laser powers. (That would be me and FCG. And we would be amazingly super freaking in love.) The contest that Mr. Playa' would need to win would be the contest that'll get him noticed so he can start his Broadway career, but Communist Zombies who hate musicals would try and destroy the place where the contest was being held. The Technicolor Kittens, led by me and FCG, would attack them, and there would be a long, drawn-out battle. And of course, the Technicolor Kittens would prevail! And then me and FCG would live happily ever after and move to Sweden and live in a giant igloo of awesomeness conveniently located right next to a strip club full of hot Swedish strippers. And Mr. Playa' would accomplish his Broadway dreams since he won the contest by default for being the only contestant left alive after the battle. Then, he'd wake up and say, "What the fuck just happened?" THE END!

Dude... Yes. This is going to happen. This also DEFINITELY means I need to go to bed ASAP. I'm sorry, you guys. Haha. But I am completely serious when I say my best friend and I have conversations that go completely like this all the time. We will spend literally like, an hour, just being all, "What if there was a movie about ________?" and it be something completely and utterly nonsensical like this. But I like this movie idea. And it is definitely happening somehow. AND ALL OF YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH IT. :D

Comments

Splash's picture

I look forward to this

I look forward to this movie's premiere... although I'm still more excited for the new Muppet movie this year, sorry. :-)

So, if you are having FCG withdrawals after less than a week without her, can we Oasians use this as a stick to prod you to ASK HER OUT ALREADY? Cuz, you know, you're a lot more likely to see her after she graduates if it pays off and you have an FCG girlfriend... :-) I know, easy for me to say (considering I'm 21 and have been on exactly one date in my life), but I feel sure I have a lot of Oasian backing here...

I mean, seriously. Every time this comes up someone says "you should so ask her to do something" and you say "I know but I'm sooooo scared." And I do get being scared. Really. I might be developing a crush on someone I know right now, but damned if I feel up to telling her about it. But seriously. You've been saying you're scared for weeks. If you want FCG, you DO have to do something. At least hang out with her outside of school. If nothing else, ask her if she wants to come over to your house and "study" next time you have a French test coming up. (Just study a bit on your own too, in case her presence proves distracting. :-) )

Oh, and good luck getting the driver's license. I'm probably getting mine this summer. Scary! :-)

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

Super Duck's picture

I know I actually have to do

I know I actually have to do something... :( I'm just so scared! I know that if I don't at least get her phone number, I'll never see her again after she graduates, and I just can't have that happen! But I am terrified to even ask for that, partly because I'm never alone with FCG and I'm scared IG will say something bad to me, even though I doubt she will since we're friends now...

lonewolf678's picture

It seems,

maybe a pipe has leaked near your doorway and has caused mold to start growing there, could also be a roof leak that happened to be near there. I would suggest a mold test kit just to be safe.

Super Duck's picture

Actually I found that I

Actually I found that I spilled something on my sheets, and my bed is right by my doorway. So hopefully washing the sheets will help.

loreonpravus's picture

Oho, driver's licensing

Oho, driver's licensing tests. I failed mine twice but got through the third time -.- the first time I ran a yellow light and the second time the guy was an OCD dictator, so really, I would've passed the second time with a different examiner. Anyway! It's just nerves, really... my own dad is also a super-critical annoying loves to freak out at me nag-ivator. It's a lot more relaxing when you don't have someone screaming at you, but that takes getting used to, too.

At first, I thought I'd be all upset over the prospect of not seeing girl-I-like, but it's actually a welcome break from her. I'm not freaking out over her every little action and suffering from foot-in-mouth, so I'm bored, kind of lonely, but at least she isn't stomping all over my heart! Yay!

This was probably the least helpful comment ever.

Super Duck's picture

Well, IG told me something

Well, IG told me something quite unfortunate today... I do indeed have to have the paper from school. :( So I won't even get to take the test until Monday.

radiosilence95's picture

Aww, it's so adorable that

Aww, it's so adorable that you're having FCG withdrawals. Ask the girl out already. If you don't do it, then I will somehow do it for you. I'm just not sure how yet.

Dude, I would totally see that movie. And it would be the best damn movie eva! You should make it. People would line up for miles outside the theater just to watch such a masterpiece.

And good luck on your driving test.

Super Duck's picture

I know I need to ask her

I know I need to ask her out! :( But like I said above I am sooo terrified.

IT WOULD BE AN EPIC, AMAZING MOVIE. :D I'd become a star! And I'd become SO rich that FCG and I really could move to Sweden and live in a huge igloo by a strip club full of hotties!

loreonpravus's picture

But then FCG might get

But then FCG might get jealous at the strippers... =O

Super Duck's picture

Oh, but FCG would be allowed

Oh, but FCG would be allowed to enjoy them too! Haha. Don't worry, I'd make sure that she knows I like her way better than the strippers!

625539's picture

OMG THIS IS REALLY RANDOM

OMG THIS IS REALLY RANDOM BUT THERE IS A REALLY GOOD LOOKING SWEDISH EXCHANGE STUDENT AT MY SCHOOL WHO IS FEMALE AND I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT OK BYE

Super Duck's picture

OMG WHY ARE THERE NO HOT

OMG

WHY ARE THERE NO HOT SWEDISH EXCHANGE STUDENTS AT MY SCHOOL? I was friends with an exchange student from Slovakia once... But there has never been a Swedish one :(

Splash's picture

but...

...you have FCG! Do you NEED hot Swedish exchange students?

:-)

~~~ the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ~ e e cummings ~~~

Super Duck's picture

No... I'd much rather have

No... I'd much rather have FCG. Haha. But it would be nice to have a hot Swedish exchange student next year so I'd have someone to look at! D: Next year, the ONLY attractive girl left will be Cute Cheerleader. And that's just not enough!

MacAvity's picture

Heheheh

Can the sequel be called Apocolocyntosis - that means 'Pumpkinification.' Almost as good as 'flat-headed catfish'...

Super Duck's picture

YES!

That one could have some evil pumpkins in it...The almighty plot generator says the sequel's plot is this:

In an underground bomb shelter, a lawyer, after getting AIDS, wants desperately to go to a movie, but at the same time must (with the help of a hand model) stop this male pattern baldness once and for all.