I feel sort of dead right now but that's most likely just the layover...8 hour time change between here and where I spent break (London) and I have a sinus thing going on that's driving me insane.
I'm horribly stressed because finals are next week.
I...I keep feeling trapped. Caught in stasis between what's happening in my life and what my parents think is happening; between needing space and needing other people.
My parents have no idea what's going on inside my head but they think they do. They think I just go into sensory overload. That's part of it but not all of it. They made me stand in Victoria station in rush hour and wouldn't let me leave until I convinced them I was calm, and to make matters worse the wouldn't shut up either. They don't understand that I'm fine if I have a concrete goal: if I'm in an underground station I'm fine (more or less) because I can concentrate on moving, getting to the train. If I'm in the underground itself I'm fine because I'm counting the stops until I get off and no one really talks or moves much inside the trains. I'm not fine when I have nothing concrete to concentrate on; I must keep moving because then everything around me is still relative to myself, if I stop everything else just keeps moving, faster and faster, louder and louder, brighter and brighter until I just can't stand it any more. I also got in a really bad row with my mother and gripped my arm. I just now noticed the bruise
I think I've figured out (more or less) my belief in God.
Well. See you all again soon.