So I realized that I just don't associate body parts and gender anymore. I just don't. I guess that's my way of dealing with my own body... I see my body as male because I'm male and it's mine... So all of its parts are male too. Maybe it's "feminine" in ways, but it's not "female". Not only that, but (It might get a little TMI here but you guys can handle it) I honestly don't mind having a vagina... Like, if I were ever to get bottom surgery I'd want a urethral lengthening... But most surgeons aren't willing to do that without removing the vagina, because apparently if you don't that majorly increases the risk of complications with urethral lengthening... And I don't want to screw things up down there because that's kind of an important area. (being able to pee is a good thing, don't forget that.) And I'm honestly not interested if I can't have both. It's not like I even intend to ever use my vagina for anything... But I actually do feel like it's a part of my body, unlike my chest.

If somehow there was a way for me to fix my body and make it exactly like it would have been if I was born with the right chromosomes and hormones and all that, it'd be a totally different story, but as of right now technology can only do so much.

I've had a hard time telling where my dysmorphia begins and ends because I get really empathetic. If I spend a lot of time talking to someone that's really dysmorphic, I get really dysmorphic too. I have some difficulty prying apart empathy and how I actually feel about myself... But I think I understand myself better now than I did say, a year ago, or even half a year ago.

I am still -incredibly- dysmorphic about my chest. The good news is that I have surgery scheduled for three months out and a fair assurance that it'll actually happen this time, but I'm still not putting my hopes on it.

I'm closing my donation-site-thing though. I guess this is me letting down my defenses a little. I'm really really scared... But I want to believe that it's going to happen when it's supposed to... And I'm preparing for things like it is and it isn't. Like, I'm marking events on my calendar that I definitely won't be able to go to if I get surgery, but I'm also closing my donation site and not actually making plans for the three or so weeks following surgery.

I guess that's my convoluted way of dealing with it. A part of me wants to throw my hands in the air and make like it's happening for sure this time but I did that last time and I was let down. I dunno. It's like, does it even make a difference whether I get excited for it or not? I'm gonna be crushed if I don't get surgery on that date either way. I don't think being apprehensive will even soften the blow at all at this rate.

I kind of want to make a paper chain again, I really liked that paper chain. Haha. I remember tearing it down two and a half weeks-threeish before my scheduled date when I figured out that I wasn't going to get surgery when I was supposed to after all. I can't help but feel manipulated a little. My dad admitted that let me believe he was gonna get the money together so I would enjoy graduation and the summer... I understand why he did that but it makes it hard for me to trust him.

It's not like my dad isn't trying or that he doesn't want to help me. He's just... Frivolous I guess.

I dunno.