it's been awhile since i posted and i felt like posting something that i posted last night on tumblr.
...
it’s about 11pm. i’m sitting here listening to Peaches by: New Heights, which has become my ‘thinking’/calming song.

i’ve been pretty much trying to keep myself busy these past weeks, it doesn’t help that my car has been out of service for the past 3 days and won’t get fixed until hopefully…tuesday. i’m not sure yet.

but i’ve been in a state of ‘bleh’.

let me be honest, it does involve a girl, but it also involves me changing as a person.

i used to be the girl who wouldn’t let girls phase me ‘cause it just used to be “on to the next one!” but this time…i gave up talking to other girls and just focused on…one girl.

one girl, who i unconsciously let myself become vulnerable with, that i didn’t know how much i liked until shit hit the fan and i let my emotions get the best of me.

i don’t want blame any of this on her at all. i mean, i’ll admit i’m mad at the whole situation and that maybe it could’ve been avoided…but in all it’s entirely, we both are to blame.

i feel that this time, it’s different. yeah, we only knew each other for about 3 weeks and what happened between us…caught me offguard and opened my eyes to something i haven’t felt for anyone in…a long time.

i thought i could be strong. i thought i would be able to just look at it as just ‘another girl’ and ‘on to the next one!’ but i couldn’t. and at times, i still can’t.

but there’s nothing that i can do now.

i became the same person i started to become about 2 years ago.

heartless.

but i just can’t seem to move on. maybe it’s because…i got rejected.

i’d like to think that’s what it is…but i know that deep inside, i got hurt.

i hurt because while i felt that i had all these feelings and i wanted to explore them…she didn’t want to, that none of this meant anything to her and that she just…didn’t care.

the way we talk (when we do talk) is like nothing happened between us. that, that night…didn’t happen at all and i made a big deal out of something so unimportant.

and it hurts. a lot.

it hurts that i can’t even stand to think about her.

that i constantly wish that it never happened and we could just be friends.

but i guess, maybe we weren’t meant to even be friends.

i hate having these feelings for someone i only knew for about 3 weeks.

i hate having to wonder about things.

i hate not being able to let others in…because i’m still stuck on her.

i hate that she’s been constantly invading my dreams so i automatically think about her now.

i hate it. it sucks and i want it to end.

now. :(