Welp
I'm the only one in my group of close friends that isn't dating someone now.
:'D
But to be fair, the only person I'd like to be dating is in the aforementioned group of non-single friends.
It's so weird because, the stuff he tells me, I'm convinced that we practically feel the same way about each other except he doesn't have romantic feelings for me... Like, it seems like the security and comfort stuff is mutual... I don't really know what to think of that. Like, the mutuality is really freaking awesome... But I still want that dumbass romance shit.
Sometimes I wanna just have a fling with someone random. Like, I'm already emotionally invested in someone, I don't need or want that with someone else... I just want a stupid fling with flirting and physicality. I want to get the gushiness out.
But using people is bad.
Yup. Little rant for today. Done now. I'm gonna go get stuff done because there is stuff that needs doing.
Sorry for journaling all of the time but never commenting. I do read other journals, I just don't usually comment. >_>
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Comments
Umm...
Flings aren't a problem as long as both parties know and agree that it's a fling. You can't use someone who's encouraging you to do it... could even turn into some FWB or FB action, or... it could become a full-blown relationship.
So, that isn't a problem. being emotionally invested in someone you can't have? That is much riskier than a hookup.
---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain
Only, the problem with that
Only, the problem with that is that it would be sexual. I don't want sexual for the most part, (and I'm not sure I'd let anyone get that close to me anyway) I want romance. A romance fling. But without emotional attachment. I'm not sure that makes sense but whatever.
And like... I was talking about emotional investment not like, romantically just... Emotionally. Haha. He makes me feel secure and comfortable and like I can be truly open with him. I don't worry that he's judging me behind my back or secretly wishing that I'd leave him alone. It takes a lot for me to feel that safe about someone... I mean... I have friends that I've known for years that I'm not as comfortable around. That sense of security is more important to me than whether or not we're in some kind of romantic relationship type thing.
I have romantic feelings for him but I don't honestly expect anything to come of that. I want the romantic feelings to go away but I know myself well enough to accept that I'm not gonna just talk myself out of it. I'd like to have a fling just as a distraction I guess, but I don't want somebody to become attached to me or for them to expect me to become attached to them. I don't attach to people very well. I don't want an emotional relationship. I have that. I just want the fluffy stuff.
Like, if an emotional relationship is cake, and romance and physicality is icing, then I've got a cake and it's awesome. The -best- of cakes. I don't need or want another cake. But... I can't ice this cake for whatever reason, it just doesn't take icing... So now I have all of this icing and it needs to go somewhere, so maybe I'll just eat it separate from the cake. Yeah, it's not the best analogy but whatever. I like cake.
...Does making cake analogies make me asexual?
Usually...
You can get intimacy with a hookup, but romance usually tethers to the emotional, so I think you're linking things that are unlikely to cross paths. If someone is into you romantically, that requires the emotional and sexual interest, I think.
You need to discard the emotional thing you think you have. If you have a perfect cake, and you can't eat it, you don't have cake.
---
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain
I wouldn't say it requires
I wouldn't say it requires sexual interest but it probably does require emotional interest. I like to keep my distance from people though, emotionally. As many friends as I have, I can count the people I feel attached to on one hand. I don't want yet another person to become attached to me because that's another disappointment waiting to happen... I would just do a friends with benefits type thing but I'm not sexual and there'd be no point. I wouldn't get anything out of that... But I don't want some kind of committed relationship.
Annndddd...You're not really getting it.
The emotional stuff is the part that's mutual. The security I feel with him he feels with me too and that's more important to me than whatever romantic fluff some part of my brain wants, and needs to get over. If we're gonna continue with my horrible cake analogy, I'm still enjoying the cake, just because it's not iced doesn't mean it's not the best damn cake I've ever had.
I believe...
...I'm actually beginning to understand!
Hmmm...
What's that line in The Portrait of Dorian Grey? Something like 'The only difference between a caprice and a lifelong passion is that a caprice lasts a little longer...'