Haha, he's at school again but his dad isn't gonna be out for terribly long.
So it's getting increasingly difficult for me to not just curl up next to him all of the time always. I got visibly upset yesterday and he wrote me a little note to me about how I need to stop thinking that nobody would date me and blah blah blah... Because I went on a little rant about it earlier, and because he's a sweetheart. I don't think it had quite the intended effect but it was still very nice of him.
I was mostly upset because -he- wouldn't date me. I don't really care if anyone else would at this point in time because I'm not attracted to anyone else, even remotely. (Well, except for this one kid that reminds me of him but that doesn't count because he's straight and also I'm only attracted to him because he reminds me of guy-I-like and because he has a mohawk and mohawks are fucking awesome.) I feel like I'm never going to manage a relationship because stuff like this always happens, and then I spend forever getting over it just so it can happen again because I wasted so much time getting over it the last time. I am such a moron.
So... One side of me really wants to get over him.
And one side of me is completely not ready to give up. This happens to be the louder, more stubborn side, unfortunately. Logic doesn't win in this case.
The loud, stubborn side says "He's liked you before, it can happen again." it says "you're not gonna be able to get over him at this point in time anyway because there aren't enough distractions in your life." and it feeds me false hope and illuminated dreams because I'm not convinced that I don't have a chance... Even if my chance isn't right now. Even if the time never comes. :/
And I listen to that side because I don't trust people, but I trust him. He won't betray me. He won't judge me. He won't force me to do anything I'm not ready for or comfortable with. I don't know how long it's gonna be before I trust someone else enough to be in a halfway functional relationship with them. I don't know how long it's gonna be until I find someone that'd be willing to be patient with me.
And I'm SO MAD at myself because I completely screwed this up and there's no way to fix it.. At least not the way I want it fixed.
Sorry that my journals are so... Conflicted. One day I'm totally ok with everything and the next I'm ripping my hair out over it. Haha.
I know that things are gonna work out either way. They'll smooth over and they'll be awesome. I guess I just need to be more patient with myself.
I mean, we both value our friendship. I care more about that than I do about the fleety emotional rollercoaster I put myself on. Maybe I'm not ready to get over him -right now- and maybe that's really stupid of me, but it will happen.
So yeah. That's all.
Yeah. I feel like my "quick" jornal is even longer because I'm not going back to edit it. But hush ok?