All right, so I realize that my timing may not be the best, but I need to get this out or I'll go even more insane.
For the first nine years of my life I believed in God and Christianity without thought and unequivocally. I didn't always believe or agree with my pastor but I really did believe.
Then my first ever mentor and my best friend died within three months of each other. I felt betrayed. For the first time in my life I really felt betrayed by God. I had prayed for them, everyone had been praying for them and they died anyway...was God just not listening or what? They told me it was God's plan, but I didn't understand...only bad people, sinners, were supposed to die as punishment for sin, at least in my book, and I knew that these people were not sinners, but good people. So within a year I gave up on God entirely, I figured that with the world the way it was, either God did not exist or God had no power, or God was evil, and since I couldn't live with God being evil, I decided that God did not exist.
That was five years ago. I'm no longer sure about God's existence, one way or the other. Looking back, I realize that I actually gained a lot of who I am and my friends from what happened when I was nine, and that doesn't the balance their deaths, but it's something. I look around the world now and I think that like most small children, when I was nine I could only look at the world from my point of view. Just cause God wasn't always apparent to me doesn't mean God doesn't exist. I miss God. I miss church. I miss being able to have someone to hold accountable for the world beside myself. I feel, since when I stopped believing in God my family stopped going to church, that I have robbed my sister of the predisposition toward faith that I had, and I don't think I can fix that. I miss having that unequivocal belief, and it's not going to be easy to regain that. I need to go back to church, but communicating with my parents is difficult and I can't get there on my own. I'm not sure I can believe in Jesus and I'm positive I can't believe literally in the Bible, but writing this makes me think that I believe, to some degree, in God, and maybe I always have. I'm not going to be able to go back to not questioning my belief as I had when I was young, but that doesn't mean I can't believe.
All right. I feel much better now. Thank you.