Questioning of another sort
All right, so I realize that my timing may not be the best, but I need to get this out or I'll go even more insane.
For the first nine years of my life I believed in God and Christianity without thought and unequivocally. I didn't always believe or agree with my pastor but I really did believe.
Then my first ever mentor and my best friend died within three months of each other. I felt betrayed. For the first time in my life I really felt betrayed by God. I had prayed for them, everyone had been praying for them and they died anyway...was God just not listening or what? They told me it was God's plan, but I didn't understand...only bad people, sinners, were supposed to die as punishment for sin, at least in my book, and I knew that these people were not sinners, but good people. So within a year I gave up on God entirely, I figured that with the world the way it was, either God did not exist or God had no power, or God was evil, and since I couldn't live with God being evil, I decided that God did not exist.
That was five years ago. I'm no longer sure about God's existence, one way or the other. Looking back, I realize that I actually gained a lot of who I am and my friends from what happened when I was nine, and that doesn't the balance their deaths, but it's something. I look around the world now and I think that like most small children, when I was nine I could only look at the world from my point of view. Just cause God wasn't always apparent to me doesn't mean God doesn't exist. I miss God. I miss church. I miss being able to have someone to hold accountable for the world beside myself. I feel, since when I stopped believing in God my family stopped going to church, that I have robbed my sister of the predisposition toward faith that I had, and I don't think I can fix that. I miss having that unequivocal belief, and it's not going to be easy to regain that. I need to go back to church, but communicating with my parents is difficult and I can't get there on my own. I'm not sure I can believe in Jesus and I'm positive I can't believe literally in the Bible, but writing this makes me think that I believe, to some degree, in God, and maybe I always have. I'm not going to be able to go back to not questioning my belief as I had when I was young, but that doesn't mean I can't believe.
All right. I feel much better now. Thank you.
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Comments
Well...
Sounds like a good reason to question God, especially at an age where things are supposed to still happen according to some sense of order and right/wrong.
If you do go back, you're probably better off with a faith that has been tested and has returned. That said, the ages also line up with the same period of time that everyone goes through, where there was innocence and no questions on one side, and then things get more complex and less simple. Most of us don't have to go through two deaths at the same time, but the before/after isn't any less pronounced.
When you start the teen years, etc., life changes, your body changes (it will, ferrets, trust me, it will!), and you sense that you are moving toward independence. And there are no brakes, and no turning around.
Whatever helps you get through that, go for it. Latch on for as long as it provides you with any comfort.
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"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain
faith and religion are
faith and religion are beautiful. if you miss church, go back. there's no reason not to. you can worship and be a part of the community and struggle with the history and the tradition, even if you're still feeling agnostic. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't know much about Christianity, but in Judaism, we're all about those struggles.
I didn't grow up with a
I didn't grow up with a pronounced faith and I didn't have two people close to me die ever, let alone at the same time in my life, but I had a similar experience with atheism as a teenager, and now I feel a need for a faith or practice. I guess my advice to you is that there's a lot out there. There's no externally-imposed right or wrong answer to religion, there's just what works for you. If you still feel Christian in background, try a bunch of churches if your church seems a bit too restrictive for you. If you want to try something outside Christianity, go for that too. Whatever works for you is the right thing.
Best of luck!
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin