So recently I've been impossible to motivate, to do anything really.
I just want to sit around and mope because all of the shit I do adds up to nothing anyway.
And I know that this is the wrong attitude to have, but I don't want to think that doing things will actually help, get excited, and then feel let down again.
And everything is going on with my family. And I haven't been able to do shit for myself. Nobody wants me to work for them, hell, Big Brothers Big Sisters didn't even want me. And that's a volunteer job... AND they need boys for it. Nevermind that I'm great with kids. I mess everything up. I feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm the only person who can't tell. What the fuck am I doing wrong?
I'm so tired of putting out all of this effort for nothing. I just don't want to try anymore. It's getting to the point where I've kind of accepted that I'm just not going to have the things I want or need because I'm terribly incompetent or something.
And it's all so stupid for me to feel this way but knowing that doesn't help and I don't know how to stop. I should be glad that I have a 10th of the money I need for surgery but it's been half a year and I'm only a 10th of a way there. I can't wait five years for surgery! I don't know if I can wait past this summer, I feel ill just thinking about it.
And that's just surgery money. College costs way more than that. Do I want to go to school next year? DUH. But I don't know if I want to go if I can't get surgery first. And I don't know if it matters because if I can't pay for it I can't go. I hate the idea of going to school without having gotten surgery, I hate the idea of waiting ANOTHER YEAR for school just as much.
And it just hurts that my mom and her family don't want to support me at all. They tell me "go to college" and then the offer my cousins financial help but not me. And then they say things like "how are you going to pay for school Asher?"
Ugh, sorry for being such a mopey brat.