So I'm terrible at everything recently. I'm not any more terrible than I usually am but I've been getting frustrated much faster. So I don't really get anything done because you have to kind of go through a stage of rough-drafty-terribleness before things get anywhere.
Guh. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I'm just in a yuck mood today... Actually, my cat woke me up three times this morning. I was about ready to defenestrate her. But instead I just kinda pushed her away and hid under the covers. Ahaha.
So I'm trying to write a song, but the thing about song writing is that, it's gonna be awful for a time because I've never finished a song before. There'll be tons of terribleness and the idea is I go back and fix it so it has less terribleness. But I keep getting caught up in how horrible is is and scraping it before I can get it anywhere. Happens every time.
And I still don't have my hormones back, I think that's part of it. I mean. Having the wrong hormones is upsetting on its own. Knowing you haven't gotten them fixed yet over some nitpicky bullshit is just infuriating. I feel like I don't really have the right to complain about it because TotalGeek has been dealing with this sort of thing for muchmuch longer. (Which is also infuriating, I might add. He shouldn't have to go through that.)
I mean, I feel just... Gross. A big part of obtaining HRT was reclaiming my body. Gaining control over a large aspect of my life. I hate this loss of control. I hate how I feel like I'm at the whim of my body now. None of this is healthy for me physically or mentally but my insurance company hasn't made a decision over weather to cover it or not over some nitpicky thing like "is he going to administer the drug at home or in the doctor's office?" Seriously? I've been waiting over a week for a drug that I'm already a month overdue for because you want to know that before you'll make a decision? Really? That doesn't have anything to do with whether I need the drug or not, which clearly, I do. :/
Besides, I've had this prescription for nearly two years and I've never once had a shot done at a doctor's office and you're asking that now?
Whoever makes the decisions at my insurance company had better hope I never meet them because I am not happy. :/
Oh, and as things with guy-I-like go, he likes someone else, a lot. It's like I can't decide whether I'm jealous or not. One day I'll be all "I really don't care as long as he's happy. :)" and the next I'll get really insecure and feel like I'm inadequate, because this guy seems to be helping him with things that I haven't been able to. I've been trying to be here for him, but I don't know how to do any better than what I've been doing. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. This isn't even a matter of "I want him to like me the way I like him" anymore. It's more of me being insecure as fuck and feeling like a big useless lump. >_>
I've been insanely insecure recently. (Like, wayway worse than my usual excessive insecurity.) it's actually really beginning to frustrate me. But then I just get upset about it. Ahaha. I'm just not in a good place right now, especially for this emotional business. I mean, I had been PMSing for about a month straight because that's how long it took for my hormones to even out/body to adjust again. Now my hormones are back to the way they were before HRT pretty much, which is ten kinds of awful. (How many of you remember that mess?) and guh. I just want to fix everything but I don't have the money to pay for my hormones out of pocket because I need that money for my college apps. (Otherwise I would've said "screw it" by now. Really.)
Sorry for ranting. |D;
EDIT: So it's all finally resolved. The pharmacy screwed up somewhere. Put in the wrong codes or something. Can you believe that? I should be pissed but I'm honestly just relieved. Like. What the fuck ever. At least it's overwith now. So I can focus on all of my other problems. :P