-Wrote this a while ago, sort of an assortment of thoughts and ideas.
I’ve been trying to understand it, this bond, this drawn-ness, this sense that I’ve known you for longer than I really have. But there are some things that are inexplicable or perhaps can only be comprehended in a manner beyond words so I’ve thought less about the how and enjoyed the being, the here. There are few people I’m very close to, not out of a sense of privacy or aloofness, but because the connection wasn’t as strong, as vibrant, as sustainable.
I know I have issues with feeling worthwhile, feeling of value, important, but I keep them at bay. And this is not about me. Stop talking about yourself for one second, self. It is difficult for people to trust others, to trust that they will be there and not leave, to believe they will support and care for you no matter the situation, especially if one has not had such things before. It’s even harder when you aren’t sure what these things are, if they’re abstract concepts rather than realized and lived experiences, if you can’t trust them. And people have varying levels of comfort and need for these things, which is okay.
A bunch of words that may get bandied about too often, maybe cheapening their meaning to some. I don’t know exactly what I’m getting at here.
Nothing is ever easy, and some say the only things worth doing are those that make you hurt, that make you struggle and challenge you. The things that have the potential to transform you.
That’s one of my views on lasting relationships.
I know there are parts of yourself that you keep hidden from everyone, including me. I think there are secret parts of all persons, sometimes even kept hidden from oneself, and that’s okay. It’s normal, a standard part of everyday life. You don’t have to know everything about someone in order to be close, and it’s good to have a private part of oneself. A refuge, a place of safety perhaps, that is uniquely you. At the same time it’s the possibility that keeps me going. In life it’s the possibility for change, possibility for growth, potential to surpass what holds you back, to become the most fulfilled you possible. And relationships are a part of this.
You are worth saving. You deserve to be cared for and about, to be appreciated, to be loved. To be seen and heard and recognized. And it kills me that you don’t believe it, not one tiny bit of it. If only you could see yourself how others see you.
Of course, we don’t see things the way we are, we see them how we are. Yet…how you are is so vastly different from who you think you are, who you tell yourself you are, who you believe you are. But once again these are merely words. If there was a way for you to feel viscerally how you make others feel, how they see you, then maybe that would transcend mere words. Likely not but I just…
You are worth it.
We can never fully know the experience of another person. This is one of the problems with being fundamentally alone in the world (existentialism again). Despite the inherent aloneness in each of us, it is possible to know and understand without fully having all the experiences and knowledge. It is connection, compassion, and love that save us from the aloneness and loneliness. It is knowing that although one may not know with absolute accuracy how it feels to live one’s life, they try their hardest to walk in your shoes. Empathy. It is taking the risk of letting another person in, to go as far as you can go to bridge the aloneness and separation, to gamble that maybe this person can get it, get you, and what is more, want to get you and know you and care. And stay.
Makes things a little less lonely. A little more tolerable. Yet it’s not easy. Never is. It’s safer to remain apart. Lonely and full of despair at times but safer. And that’s okay at times. As long as people know there’s an option out there, the hope, the potential. Living is hard and at times cruel and brutal. Obviously. But it’s also beautiful and brilliant, rich and fleeting.
I am someone who stays despite the risk. I believe everyone needs at least one person they can turn to without fear of judgment, scorn or ridicule, without worry about appearances or pretense, without needing to be so strong and apart, without sectioning parts of themselves off. I absolutely don’t think I am that person for everyone, and hell maybe not even for you. Yet I refuse to give up on you. I will not lose hope. You are more than you think you are.
Maybe one day you’ll start to see it too.