if i may be blunt, i will write this.
God damnit to the deepest depths of Hell, the holidays are so fucking overrated, they make me want to smoke crack (beck reference).
"who are you spending christmas with?" - person 1
"with my parent" - me (yes one parent)
it's total bullshit. i could never have two parents, i could never have a biological mother and father, i could never be muscular let alone talented. i am simply worthless, i don't even cry or feel bad writing any of this. that is truly morbid. more shit to write.
"you have talent for playing guitar" - person 2
what the fuck man? i can't read notation for shit, all i know is tablature. if you call that talent when is the last time you ever listened to Fernando Sor, Pepe Romero, Paco de Lucia, or any guitar soloist? have you gone deaf, pray tell me.
i have no skill, nor work ethic. shit i only pretend to understand ethic when speaking with people of higher intelligence quotients.
i am not a typical American adolescent, shit i believe in God, tell me that is not stupid. say it is stupid. make me lose faith in the future of America even more. my heart has been hardened. love? ahh, truly a fucked up piece of shit that is. if i had the choice to leave this land i would leave. nothing is worth the menial tasks and the pointless suffering i am faced with everyday (newscasts, newspaper, mindless chatter among people, et cetera).
i am not meant for love, it is not meant for me. stop thinking that there is someone for me. don't comment on how there is. if there were someone meant for me, that would mean i've gone insane.
how about my school's church function that usually takes place before school? fuck it. i said fuck it. like i need to be judged and have shallow/superficial conversations of why i believe. my family and The Lord my God are all the ones i love. yet i am selfish (all humans are, yet they refuse to admit it) i want to love someone and have deep meaningful connections. i am simply the punching bag, the stress ball. fuck going to a therapy session, NO, I DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH ON PRESCRIPTION PLACEBOS. love is a need that you can't fill with drugs. although it is worth a try (very tempting). i think i might leave this place again since all i do is bitch, bitch and bitch some more.