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22 December, 2010 - 4:43pm — Riku

Hi everyone. It's been a little while... But I didn't abandon you guys. |D No abandoning has gone on here.

So um. A few things.

I've decided that I'm too socially inept to ever be in a relationship. I don't understand any of the games you're supposed to play or how the hell I'm supposed to be flirty without being forward. And I'm not any good at not opening up to people... Because I'm just an open person... So yeah. Nobody I want is ever going to want me. I've kind of just accepted this. :P

I'm also mostly asexual. I say "mostly" because I'm not sure if I'm "entirely" asexual or not. I suppose it's kind of silly for me to worry about it to that extent, a lot of sexual aren't "entirely" sexual so why should it matter if I'm "entirely" asexual? I should just call myself ace for the sake of simplicity if for no other reason. :P

And um. Hm. So I don't hate all touch all of the time always. Just most of the time from most people. There are a few people that I feel oddly safe around... But I also made a big show of not liking physical contact because nobody would have taken it seriously unless I did. I do get really anxious when people touch me most of the time. Especially if I'm not expecting it, or if it's my hair. But on the flipside, I have no idea how to express it when I want physical contact.

But I mean... It's weird. I let people touch my hair all of the time because they're fascinated by it, I kind of just grit my teeth together. But I mean, having a crush on someone doesn't make the anxiety go away either, I just ignore it so they don't think I'm not interested. |D;

So my brother/best friend/partner in crime is going to get a consultation with a surgeon today for top surgery. I'm going with him. I'm trying really hard to be happy for him but I mean... I'm gonna be jealous because I've been trying to get surgery forever, and his parents are probably going to be able to put a deposit down and set a date today, given that they've gotten far enough emotionally. And I still can't do that because I don't have the finances.

Do you ever get desperate and absently wish for some kind of 'miracle' or random act of generosity to come along and make your life better? Because I do all of the time. |D; And I feel really bad about it because I hate taking money from people that I didn't earn but I need this so badly.

Ok I'm done whining now. |D; Sorry I haven't been on for a while.

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22 December, 2010 - 4:55pm — centerfielder08
centerfielder08's picture

I know what you mean, Riku,

I know what you mean, Riku, definitely.

And about the whole relationship thing....I've kinda given it up for a while, too.

22 December, 2010 - 5:28pm — lacking_direction
lacking_direction's picture

I can totally relate with

I can totally relate with you on a lot of what you've said. I didn't think I was good enough in social situations to ever get a girlfriend, but it happened. Sometimes the other person will take the lead. I don't pick up on a lot of cues so that makes it really difficult. One girl told me that she had been flirting with me for a month and I had no clue until she flat out told me that she wanted to kiss me. I guess it comes down to people don't always view us how we view ourselves and sometimes they like the things about us that we don't like. For instance, I think I have no idea what I'm doing in relationships and that I'm painfully awkward, but sometimes girls think it's cute that I try but clearly am lost. Also, not everyone plays games. It's not really a nice thing to do on purpose. So, I think it's good you don't know how to play them. As for opening up? That's a good thing! How are you supposed to be in a relationship without sharing yourself? It's really damn hard. Take it from me. I tell people the bare minimum about myself. People like and need communication.

I used to think I was asexual too, but that changed once I started actually having sex. I think I might just have a low sex drive and it doesn't really motivate my decisions. Don't worry so much about classifying where you are with that.

I hate touching too. Hate it. That's really tough when it comes to relationships. You touch someone else to show affection and intimacy, so it's complicated when touch bothers someone. Your partner may think that you are not interested in them when that's not the case at all. I've learned that if I'm vocal about what kinds of touch really bother me verses what doesn't then I can satisfy my partner without freaking out about being touched. Sometimes I let them do whatever because I know they're showing that they care even though it gives me a ton of anxiety. After a while once trust is built up it bothers me a little less. But hair touching? No. I do not like that. Never have, never will. I don't understand it. I've always had long hair and little girls always want to play with it or braid it and it's weird. So yeah. We don't always have to compromise right? haha

I hope that helped a little. I guess just know that someone else relates to how you feel and how you act, but still managed to be in a relationship. :)

23 December, 2010 - 12:16am — funnyflyby
funnyflyby's picture

Yay, Riku's back!

I just ate my last vegan marshmallow ;D Now I need to buy some more...

I thought I was asexual until I started having weird dreams about a certain Bday girl... Gah, that's annoying. I wish to be entirely asexual... But I'm still mostly asexual, too... I know what you mean about the physical contact, too. There are some people who I let touch me physically, but only like... 3. And NOBODY touches my hair :) They know better. Except for my mother, who doesn't LISTEN and still starts playing with it... Grr...

Well, hello, Riku. Glad I get a chance to know you a bit better :)
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