Hi everyone. It's been a little while... But I didn't abandon you guys. |D No abandoning has gone on here.
So um. A few things.
I've decided that I'm too socially inept to ever be in a relationship. I don't understand any of the games you're supposed to play or how the hell I'm supposed to be flirty without being forward. And I'm not any good at not opening up to people... Because I'm just an open person... So yeah. Nobody I want is ever going to want me. I've kind of just accepted this. :P
I'm also mostly asexual. I say "mostly" because I'm not sure if I'm "entirely" asexual or not. I suppose it's kind of silly for me to worry about it to that extent, a lot of sexual aren't "entirely" sexual so why should it matter if I'm "entirely" asexual? I should just call myself ace for the sake of simplicity if for no other reason. :P
And um. Hm. So I don't hate all touch all of the time always. Just most of the time from most people. There are a few people that I feel oddly safe around... But I also made a big show of not liking physical contact because nobody would have taken it seriously unless I did. I do get really anxious when people touch me most of the time. Especially if I'm not expecting it, or if it's my hair. But on the flipside, I have no idea how to express it when I want physical contact.
But I mean... It's weird. I let people touch my hair all of the time because they're fascinated by it, I kind of just grit my teeth together. But I mean, having a crush on someone doesn't make the anxiety go away either, I just ignore it so they don't think I'm not interested. |D;
So my brother/best friend/partner in crime is going to get a consultation with a surgeon today for top surgery. I'm going with him. I'm trying really hard to be happy for him but I mean... I'm gonna be jealous because I've been trying to get surgery forever, and his parents are probably going to be able to put a deposit down and set a date today, given that they've gotten far enough emotionally. And I still can't do that because I don't have the finances.
Do you ever get desperate and absently wish for some kind of 'miracle' or random act of generosity to come along and make your life better? Because I do all of the time. |D; And I feel really bad about it because I hate taking money from people that I didn't earn but I need this so badly.
Ok I'm done whining now. |D; Sorry I haven't been on for a while.