Hey people, everyone here is probably new and don't know who I am; it's been a long long time since I've posted. In fact it's a pattern of mine to only post when I'm troubled or depressed. So I suppose it's a good thing I've been absent for awhile. Probably over a year.
I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend and everything is awesome it's been over a year and we love each other very much. I'm a senior and she is taking classes at a community college and working. This year has been busy for her with 4 classes and work after class on most days. Last year was really busy for me I had a lot of hard classes, but this year it isn't for me. We see each other almost every day but it's less time.
I'm generally not a needy person, but I've been feeling kind of sad the past week or two and I don't know why. I miss her a lot. I cried a lot whenever she had to leave. It sounds stupid but it's such a hard feeling to get rid of when you're used to sleeping together every night in summer and spending a lot of time together. It makes me so sad sometimes. She is kind of sad but not as sad as me and it makes me feel retarded and I hate it. I feel really emotional and I have self esteem issues; I feel like I don't deserve her sometimes. I feel needy. In the beginning we missed each other whenever we weren't with each other and we slept at the same time every night even though we were at separate houses. I'm not saying our love has changed but I don't know why I'm more affected now than she is. She says she loves me and misses me at night but it's not the same. I don't feel needed like I was before. And I told her that but she says nothing is wrong but I feel like something is different.
You know in your first relationship you think you can love forever. This is my first and I know already this isn't possible. But we used to talk about being together as adults because some people can get married right out of high school and be together the rest of their lives. It would be so nice. We have such a special relationship. But I don't like talking about marriage really. It's unrealistic. And whenever I mention it she doesn't really say a lot. And I would love to propose to her someday in a couple years if everything is ok. I know it's bad to promise someone you'll love them forever. She means everything to me. She and I want to be together as long as we can. There is nothing we can really think of that could affect our relationship enough to break up. I think I just feel needy lately. Not to mention the gloomy weather. I tried telling her everything I just said but she didn't understand everything and said I was breaking her heart and nothing is wrong. And nothing IS wrong. Physically or anything but I feel different. I just want to be missed as much as I miss her. And I want her to need me when I leave. But she doesn't. Because I'll see her the next day. Which is great. I love it. But it's not like before. It's not as vibrant or exciting like it was. It has to be but it doesn't feel like it. I don't want to feel needy. I'm not. I'm just sad.
I want to feel needed. Can't I just be needed? Can't you just say you miss me so much and you're sad I'm not there to hold you?