These various entries are combined into one because a prolonged lack of electricity prevented me from finishing or submitting any of them until just now. Had the electricity remained, probably only two would have ended up being written, because I try not to post more than one entry a day, in the hopes that the site won't be clogged up too badly with all my random thoughts and feelings. Also I think I'm going to start putting tags on my journals, which I haven't done before. This one takes an unfortunately large number of tags, I'm afraid.
Action, however slight
20 October, afternoon
Obviously, as far as social life goes, nothing at all is going to happen to me if I just passively wait for someone to initiate conversation, ask me on a date, or whatever. I haven't had too much success with manipulating the situation just enough to get someone to initiate the conversation, either. I mean, conversations of a sort have resulted, but nothing has come of them. So I just need to be a bit more active about it, initiate some conversations myself, et cetera if I want to interact with people.
Now, admittedly, I haven't actually started talking to girls ('girls' being Sunny) yet, but I'm working toward it. I have no idea what I would say to her if I did talk to her - how to initiate a conversation? how to keep it going past the point of 'Hi, Sunny,' 'Oh, hi, MacAvity, how are you?' 'Oh, I'm doing okay, how goes it with you?' 'Pretty well, thanks'...? So I've been asking capable-seeming blokes how they go about talking to girls. And in doing so I've gotten some practice talking to people.
So far I've only asked two people, both of them classmates to whom I have never really spoken before. This is because almost everyone I know is either a nerd, or a girl, or gay, or some combination thereof, and therefore lacks either interest or experience in talking to girls as girls. The two I asked are both in my art class, and they are the only people who talk much at all during class, so I figured they might have some helpful tricks.
The first just said, 'I...flex my vocal cords, and...talk...?' Duh. That's how you speak. I just had to do that to ask you 'How do you do it?' ('Do what?) 'Talk to girls.' I know how to speak, thank you very much. That's not quite the same as talking to a girl. So he and the girl with whom he was, as usual, talking got really confused. She especially, I think. She said things along the lines of 'You make it sound like it's a challenge or something...' and 'But you're a girl...' and 'You're talking to me, aren't you?' Maybe the idea of a girl liking girls didn't occur to them at all, even though I made it about as obvious that that was what I meant as it was possible to do without directly telling them. So, huge failure on that count.
I wasn't even really planning on asking the other guy about it, because from what I had observed he talks to girls the way a fellow girl would. But the opportunity arose, so I just asked him how he talked to girls. He actually sort of understood the question, so he at least gave some advice, like, 'You just have to ask questions, like, ask them what their favorite movies are.' The conversation actually flowed rather well. At some point I asked him if he was interested in girls - I kind of suspected he wasn't, and it was actually relevant. Sure enough, his response was 'Not really. Are you interested in boys?'
'Not really,' I confirmed. In case there were any room for interpretation, he asked,
'Hope I'm not offending, but...are you gay?'
'I think I might be.'
'I think I might be, too. I've had some crushes on guys and stuff.'
From there the conversation turned to how and why it's not quite as easy to be gay, what kind of an environment our school is for people like us, how much we've told how many people, et cetera. It was nice. Unsuccessful in the sense that I didn't feel like I learned anything useful about talking to girls, but extremely successful in the sense that I actually initiated a real conversation with somebody to whom I had never spoken before, and real communication happened.
20 October, night
One of my castmates gave me some more advice about girls and whatnot. I don't know whether he knew it was advice, actually, he might just have been explaining his friend's theory on women and relationships without knowing that I was actually interested in such information. Either way, the theory ran something as follows:
Women are like cats. If you see a cat, and want to pet it, you can't just run charging at it or it'll run away. You have to let the cat know you're interested, but then pretend like you're not interested anymore, because cats prefer to bother people who aren't interested.
Now, I don't know whether this theory is any good at all. I've certainly managed to pet cats (literal cats, in case that wasn't clear) by running and grabbing them, and certainly cats have forced themselves upon me without my showing or even feeling any interest at all, and I've even had some success with openly expressing interest and inviting the cat in question to come be petted. So the analogy seems flawed right off, with a misinterpretation of feline behavior. If the person who made this comparison to begin with didn't understand cats, who's to say he understood girls any better?
My castmate's theory on how to initiate a conversation with someone was similarly suspect. He went on for a while about how sometimes he'll just walk up to some random person downtown and start talking to that person, who initially regards him as some sort of lunatic but often ends up participating in a rewarding or at least entertaining conversation. I am not going to try that, no way.
The boy waves his arms deliberately, conducting the marching band. Out, across, up, down, each motion distinct, smooth, fluid and yet thoroughly solid. Elevated on a high platform, or maybe a ladder, he towers over the musicians, over the football field, over me, over the school, small as a human being and yet not as small, not nearly. His skin is dark, his hair is dark, his scarf and gloves are pure white. His scarf swings to and fro as his body sways slightly as his arms carry on their dance, their march. The music responds to his movements - the music, not the players - or does it rather illustrate them, give sensory meaning to his actions that sight alone cannot provide? Watching from the sidelines, I am sure that it is not people that he is commanding. It is the elements themselves.
National Short Shorts Day
21 October, afternoon
Boys' legs are disgusting.
Something. Serious. I don't know.
21 October, afternoon
I still don't know what's really going on with Leigh. My tactic of letting everything return to normal has been only partially successful. Maybe I just need to be more honest with him, let him know what I'm thinking, how I feel. Or maybe I wasn't really planning, just expressing something that had been on my mind for a while. Or maybe I just needed to fill the silence, and had nothing light with which to do so.
'Uncomfortable personal question?' I asked.
'Permission to ask a personal question?'
'I guess... You can ask...'
'How long was it, after...you know...that you started...noticing people again?'
He didn't initially know what I meant, or maybe he suspected but wanted to make sure. The conversation was cut off before he answered, but I did manage to convey what I meant by 'after...you know...' (his own heartbreak), and why I wanted to know ('just to get an idea of the timelines' - I didn't mention anything about Sunny just yet), and what I meant by 'noticing' ('Do you mean like Harry and Hermione noticing, or more like Buttercup and Westley noticing?' 'Well, I'm glad you mentioned that about Harry and Hermione, because I wouldn't have thought of this otherwise, but I mean "noticing" like that scene when they're all looking for dates for the ball and Ron suddenly notices, "Hey, Hermione, you're a girl!"'). So he understood the question, and seemed willing to answer it, but needed some time to think, especially as the conversation was, as I mentioned, cut short.
So I expect he'll have an answer next time I see him, and I expect there will be consequences of some sort resulting. This could be a way of telling him about Sunny, and making clear that my feelings for Grey were not a 'one-girl thing,' or it could be a way of revealing how Leigh really feels about me, if there's anything to be revealed, or it could be a way to clear up some more of this persistent weirdness that has been between us since June, or it could have no lasting consequences whatsoever, or something else entirely I suppose. Time will tell. Soon, I hope.
Miscellany of Today
Really I've only got two things to mention about today. The first is that, because all of my preferred shirts were in the wash, I ended up wearing what some people have dubbed the 'Sergeant Pepper jacket,' which is just one of those cute sort of feminine/military little black jackets with the two rows of buttons down the front; I got it for my Senior Portraits. Lots of people commented on it, lots of people liked it, lots of people were surprised to see me for once not dressed just like Solace - not that they probably remember Solace enough to notice the similarity, if they ever knew him at all - and dressed almost like a girl instead. So that's really it. I stepped a bit out of my comfort zone, clothing-wise, although not very far out, and the result was positive.
The other is that there's a guy at my school who has an amazing talent for making people laugh. This evening there was a talent show of sorts, and his entire act was just him sticking his hand through a hole in a large piece of cardboard. It was the funniest part of the entire show. I remember another time when he kept a full audience in sustained laughter for several minutes just by prancing around the stage. That takes serious talent.
I should also probably mention, because I can, that I seem to yet have enough female in me to fall victim to the curious phenomenon that happens when three or more females are in a room together with no sobering male presence: Irresistible giggling ensues, and the later the night progresses, the more irresistible and illogical the giggling. This happened last night at rehearsal, with my three girl castmates, the director, who is a young woman, and me. Admittedly I didn't giggle as much as they did, but I did fall victim, oh yes.