I read this whole journal.
Started at the beginning and have spent the last couple days getting up to here. I got into it because I'm applying for film school and one of the requirements is to write a synopsis of the movie I'm most passionate about making, which is autobiographical about my coming out and such. Well, I just have bits and pieces so I was doing research to better grasp the story. I was originally going to bend it but I figured sticking as close to the original story would be best.
And let me tell you, it's been a real eye-opener. Lately I've been hit with by the truck delivering karma induced guilt. What I mean is about C. I don't know how many of you today followed my journal 3 years ago but C was the crush that pushed me into self realization and was my first girlfriend and was the best thing that has happened to me thus far. Without this journal I've been thinking about how mean I was to her in nt appreciating her and being so blatant in liking other girls and just in general being a jerk. I apologized to her over breakfast about 7-8 months ago but it was vague.
Now she has nothing to do with me. She won't even return my mom's calls (they were still in touch). We bumped into eachother a bit ago and I texted her to hang out and she never replied. When i saw her again she made the excuse that she forgets to hit send. I know she just chooses not to. And I don't blame her a bit.
She now lives in the little house (one room with a bedroom and mini kitchen) behind her grandma's, she has a girlfriend she's had for over a year, she smokes pot (so do I sometimes I'm not judging), and as far as I know, she's not going to school. Her girlfriend has been less than friendly to me and I'm sure she doesn't like her talking to me. She needed to not talk to me, to leave me behind.
Reading this has made me relive the whole thing. I was so in love with her. Liking her and learning I was gay because of her (I mean, she was what made me admit I'm gay) was great and I don't know it was just the best time of my life. And such a fairytale liking her for so long and getting her in the end. I felt like I was in love with her all over again. I haven't been able to think about anything else. I got to read about how I got selfish and wanted to see other girls and broke her heart twice to do it. And so blindly.
I feel so aweful. I adored her and I know there were things about her that were annoying me and while I wouldn't get back together with her today I should've held on to her. I shouldn't have taken her for granted. I should've treated her right. I should've loved her like she deserved.
Sure, if I didn't love her then than maybe I didn't. But I was blind for not either way.
I'm two years too late in realizing this. I can't tell her now. I don't know what good it would do if I did. She's moved on and that's the best thing for her. I just wish I could tell her how much I loved her, and that I now see all the things I took for granted. Maybe if I get into film school and someday make the film i'd like to make, I can.