...up until now, i've noticed that i'm pretty lonely... :/ my amazing friends are either out of state for college or are far away in this state. and my best friend, JJ, well, im not sure what's going on -.- last time i talked to her was yesterday, i think, or the day before, and it was kinda awkwardish...but waaaaaaay before that, you peoples should know what's been goin on between us.

during the beginning of the summer, it was goin pretty good up until she started hanging out with another friend, uhm, brownie...? haha, i dunno, ANYWAYS, she started hanging out with brownie a lot and brownie kinda got her into doing some stuff (going to parties, drinking a lot, and doin drugs), which JJ didn't tell me about until a month or a few weeks of doing it :/ after she told me, she said she thought it was probably a bad idea to tell me. well, too late, JJ...-.- when she told me, i was too tired to get what she said to actually affect me up until the next day. then i kinda felt dissapointed with her after that. i didn't tell her what i thought of it because i was afraid of what she'd do or say about it, or if she'd listen to me or not. so, i left it alone and let her do it anyways, but avoided her because i'd feel crappy and horrible if i was around her :/

but then, 4 days ago, i finally told her what i thought of what she was doing. after i was done, she was silent and just left. i have no idea what she meant by that, so i figured it was kinda over...but then yesterday (or the day before...), on messenger, she said hi and asked what was new with me and such. i was veeery confused, but i went along with it. then after a half hour of silence, she said that i rarely say anything anymore. i have no idea if she was talking about that very moment or if it had to do with the months i didn't talk to her, because the day i comfronted her, i told her why i didn't talk to her much. so, i continued to go along with it and said it was because nothing interesting or new had happened to me recently, that she knew of. then she hm, and signed off without saying bye or anything.

meh, but when i told her not much had happened, that made me realize how much more lonely i was D: i have my family, but my cousins and sibs are in school, and i don't get along that well with my sister or one of my cousin's sometimes...and my parents...-.- i don't bother with them. they're not that understanding and don't notice or realize when im sad or depressed or anything. haha, the other day, coming back from a birhday party, i was goin home to my aunts house with my uncle, cousin, grandma and other aunt. we stopped for gas and my aunt asked me why i always looked so serious (haha...). i hadn't noticed i looked serious most of the time until she said something about it...i thought i just looked ridiculous or made weird faces when i thought about stuff...:P

so, other than nobody close enough to talk to and sort of maybe possibly having lost my beloved JJ, i've also been really really really reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally unlucky with finding a girl that likes-likes me back XD ;_; i see a heck of a lot of awesome and pretty girls, but it always ends up that they have a boyfriend and/or they're strait >_> it suuuuuucks D: i've been meaning to go back to capitol hill, and see if i get any luck there, but this one chance i got was completely destroyed due to the fact that it was dangerous, according to my parents.

back during the pride parade in seattle, there was this booth which was recruiting more people for a LGBT band and the beginning of a LGBT orchestra :D so i signed up and waited for months to see if it'd be possible :D then i finally got an email inviting people to come for a picnic to meet possible future players :D but i didnt go because i had some unplanned and unknown commitment "i" had for that day. ended up being nothing >_> and i missed it. luckily, the people organizing the orchestra emailed me and said that practice was gonna be every tuesday at 7pm in the basement of this church.

sooo, i asked my parents if it'd be ok if i went, but they said no because it was too far away and that it was dangerous to be walking around alone that late at night to just go to this stupid orchestra and that i already was in the church choir anyways, so what'd be the point? 1, it's only a half hour bus ride there, about the same time it takes for us to get to my aunts house... 2, the bus leaves me right in front of the church, 3 it is not stupid. 4, i only joined that stupid choir to play my violin so that i wouldn't stop playing it and because my college doesn't have an orchestra. the church group is probably the worst idea i've ever had because they stress me out with their easy, simple, beginners music, their constant FOR YOU GOD <3 attitude, how they try and make me beleive in god (yes, i do not beleive in him. yes, i was desperate enough to join them to keep playing my violin. ) and how i have to be shoved back into my stupid closet because it's unholy to be gay.

so, there went that chance...-_- i don't know when and if i'll ever leave my home to go where i want to go :/ i thought i'd get more freedom and responsibility now that im 18, but sadly, my already existant responsibility just doubled and my freedom still inexistant... so here i am, stuck in my room, wasting away on the internet and facebook and the lack of friends i have now. i could go out, but this small town in the middle of nowhere isn't exciting as my old town. but even if i were there, i'd just wander around the stores as a loner and a creep, haha :P LUCKILY, tomorrow (er, today...) i have this new student picnic type thing for my college and i'd get to see a friend of mine that came out recently to me as gay :D and hang out with him for a bit ^_^ and maaaaaybe i'll get lucky and make some new friends :D and hopefully possible meet a girl ;D

ok, i should proooobably sleep now...i should probably make sure i don't sleep at 2 am anymore, especially since im about to start school pretty soon :P NIGHTY NIGHT <3