So I get insanely depressed when I don't bind, even if I'm alone in my room.
And when I do bind my chest hurts.
There's just no winning.
It's pretty clear to me that my mom doesn't want to help. I knew that already but it still hurts. I guess I'm just not over it. She seems to think this is an acceptable course of action because I'm trying (note: have not succeeded after a month of looking so far) to get a job and because I've managed to get some money from donations. Because that's TOTALLY going to get me 7k before I need to go to college? I want this surgery but I NEED it before I move out. She has not offered any kind of help (financial or otherwise) whatsoever. It's like she doesn't care. I mean, my dad is like, breaking his back over this (and I feel really bad about that.) you'd think I'd be able expect like, an inch from my mom. Like some sympathy? Maybe?
I keep wanting my mom to prove me wrong and actually express that she cares but she keeps not. Because she doesn't. It's really stupid of me and it just gets me more upset.
...I feel like I don't have a mom you know? Like there's this big gaping hole in my life because my mom left and did a lot of assholeish things and managed to screw up the lives of my dad, my sister, and I phenomenally all at once, through her selfish acts. And she doesn't care about that, she claims she does but if she did she'd do something about it. And it's like... I'm not even sure she ever cared about me. Like, for real cared about me. She thinks she cares but if she actually cared she'd stop trying to make my dad lose the house, for example. Because it's totally a good idea to make my dad lose the house. Nevermind her stupid unfounded spite for my dad. By her logic, if she takes as much of my dad's money through the legal system as she can, and dad loses the house, I'll totally want to move down to Florida and that would 'fix' everything.
Only, if she caused us to lose the house she'd be the last person I'd want to live with on earth. I'd rather be homeless up here than live with the person who caused us to lose the house.
And if I -did- move down there I'd just be depressed. It wouldn't fix anything.
She blames everything on me and my dad. Shelby wants to move up here? That's my fault. I've been putting ideas in her head. I should move down there because obviously things are better in Florida. Never mind that the schools are clearly better up here. Or the fact that I did really well in High School, or that I'm going to college, or that I don't have any destructive habits like a lot of kids my age. My mom keeps saying my sister is gonna 'thank her' for forcing her to stay down there. It's infuriating. All she's doing is causing my sister and I to spite her. I've explained this to her and then she just cries because we don't like her. It's her goddamn fault. She needs to grow up and own up to her fucking actions for once.
So... This ended up being another mom rant. Sorry.
I'm going to call Kite today. We started making plans sort of over Facebook (or rather, I attempted to make plans and she got all "I'm going to completely ignore your attempt to make conversation and ask you further detail about location" so I got all "I'm going to give you an insanely short but accurate response to your question because you ignored my attempt to make conversation." ) and she hasn't responded since. Haha. I don't know if it's because she hasn't been online or if she just couldn't figure out what to do with that. So now I'm like "screw facebook" and I'm just going to call her. Because making plans really shouldn't take a week and a half. I hope she doesn't think I'm annoying. I guess I'm kind of silly, I'm afraid of coming off as clingy even though I wait like, a week and a half between attempts to make contact... So I guess that's not clingy. Plus I'd probably know if I was being a pest because she'd probably let me know. She hasn't shown any indication of being annoyed so I guess I'm not a pest.
I guess I want to seem interested, but not too interested... It's weird. Like distant, but interested, but maybe not really? I think I'm trying too hard. I spend so much time worrying about whether I'm being too open or not open enough or too distant or too clingy but... While I was at that art program, I didn't really concern myself with any of that while around her because I was just really comfortable there. So she already kind of knows what I'm like so I shouldn't worry about this so much because she seemed to like that. :I
Silly silly silly.