There's so much that I need to rant out that it's not coming out at all. I wrote this huge vent and deleted it because it was stupid.
I kind of want to cry.
So a lot of you know how insanely uncomfortable with physical intimacy I am, because I've got this tendency to go on about it. Well there actually is a reason for it. It's killing me keeping it to myself and I can't tell most of my friends because they'll know who I'm taking about and I don't want them to judge her for it. Because it's not her fault.
So some of you may remember how I was dating someone like, two years ago, right before I came out as trans. You know, the last and only time I've ever had even partially resembling a functional relationship.
At the time, she thought of me as female, and she -REALLY- liked me as a girl. I was on the verge of telling the world that I was not a girl, and I told he about some of it but she didn't understand it.
It was a problem.
I've probably been over that part before. It was bad enough that she'd talk about my body and how great it was and stuff, but it didn't end there...
I was at her place... In her room. And I mean, what to teenagers in a relationship normally do when they've got a room to themselves? I don't know why I let her take my shirt off, or why I let her touch me through my clothes. I'm so glad I stopped her from taking off the rest, I don't know if I could live with myself... It was bad enough as it was...
I let it happen because it felt good, and then I cried... A lot. And then like a complete idiot I let it happen a -second time-. Because I'm a moron. And I ended up feeling violated. And I still feel violated. I didn't realize what it was at the time though. When she asked why I was crying, I made some bullshit up. But I mean, between not being okay with being thought of or treated like a girl, my complete dysmorphia with those areas, and just, not being ready... It hurt.
So yeah. Now you know why the more romantically interested in someone I am, the less likely I am to make any kind of physical contact with them. It's why I'm scared of being in a relationship. And why it completely terrifies me that I might actually have a chance with this insanely attractive girl. I'm not sure I know how to differentiate between being uncomfortable due to being nervous and being uncomfortable due to feeling violated. Around her I'm normally feeling the former and I don't want to risk the latter.
It still hurts. It seems kind of pathetic, I know people who have been through much worse and here I am whining about this like it's some kind of awful traumatic experience. But knowledge of that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I mean, it's taken me this long to even say anything about it to anyone.
So yeah. This is kind of a sensitive subject with me so just... Be nice. It's taken a lot for me to even write about this let alone post it. I mean, it's been two years and this is my first time even talking about it, it may not be a big deal but it's a big deal to me. :/