to-day's thought
somtimes i wonder if i've missed out on being a normal teenager... but oh well. it's not as if you can have a second shot at your teen years. sometimes i wish i lived in 17th century europe. that way i could play the lute and live off my day's earnings and travel all across europe, sort of like John Dowland. it's not glamorous to all, but to me that's the impossible dream. sure there wasn't a place for gays but it would be just the same in a way, i wouldn't be able to be open about it but i could live my dream. i would give everything up just to be free. free from the modern cage i call life.
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There are people who spend
There are people who spend their lives traveling you know. Sure, it's not the same as it was in 17th century Europe. But if you want to live on the road, there's no real reason that you can't. It's still not glamorous but, it's also not impossible.
I have a lot of respect for wandering artists, when I was in New Haven recently, I passed this little trailer, all decorated, I remember it being very green, I'm assuming it was their living space, they had it trailing a truck. It was adorable, and on it there was a little description of their lifestyle, talking about being a wandering artist and stuff. I think I might do that some day. I like the idea of travelling around, without having ties to anything.
yeah.
but it is impossible for me. i have chosen a life that demands conformity and perfection. it's hard to describe. but being a wandering artist will not fit in a filled up life. only in my dreams... but even then my dreams still limit my creativity.
You're what? 17? You have so
You're what? 17? You have so much of your life ahead of you. Even if you only took a few years to peruse your need to travel, wouldn't that be better than not going at all?
You say your life is filled up, but at your age, most people aren't even sure what they're going to be studying in the next three years... So I can't say I understand where you're coming from.
And personally, I could never live in a life that demands conformity and perfection. To me, everything that is beautiful in life comes from non-conformity and imperfections.
maybe
i have given the wrong messege.
Likewise, I have often
Likewise, I have often wished I lived long, long, ago. It varies as to when...from truly prehistoric time frames to the victorian ages...anywhere but now, I guess.
I know what you mean.
hmm
guess i'm stuck in a 21st century hell.
A Perfectionist... With Dreams
Do I have that right?
Your writing, however, suggests that you possess latent talents beyond just those that support your love for music.
Without knowing you personally, one could easily suspect that excelling in this one area could plausibly excuse your paying less attention to others... where you might be seen by others as being somewhat less proficient than in music.
Is music an obsession (if it is, it's a good one)? I have no way of knowing... but what you are experiencing (imagining?) could be indicative of OCPD.
Again... I'm just grasping at straws.
You have successfully passed one of the greatest obstacles for a gay teen: coming out to your parents. This took great courage... and confidence. And... it turned out well!
Since this path for communication is open... I'd say: Use it!
Talk more openly with your parents about your feeling of unease. They may not fully understand the labyrinth of thoughts in the brain of a talented gay teen... but I'd hope that they would encourage you to speak with a professional adolescent psychologist (possibly through, or with references from, your school's health and counseling services).
Even if all is fine... you will find that just expressing your loves and fears to another real person will likely prove extremely valuable.
a list
1. i'm not a perfectionist, but that's what is expected of me.
2. i don't have talent, i'm just a musician.
3. i'm not good with music, considering i'm very sure i'm going to wash out of Music Theory class.
4. i divide my attention to other areas equally.
5. i'm not obsessed with music, it's a passion.
6. i'm really sure i don't have OCPD.
7. if i have feelings it's ussualy best to let them manifest themselves in different ways, and never talk about them.
8. i've thought about counseling but i'm sure it costs money, and i'm sure that i won't need it, since everyone says i'm fine.
Suggestion:
Quibbling over semantics will surely prove unproductive…
However, you might give further thought to counseling. You have nothing to lose… and the chances are in your favor that some good will be gained.
I'd start by investigating what free services are offered at school. If the school counselor feels that you'd benefit from meeting with an adolescent psychologist, the school's recommendation should be sufficient to schedule an exploratory meeting.
Yes, there are unavoidable costs. But… I think it is very likely that your parents' health plan would cover some minimum number of meetings.
you're right.
maybe i should give more thought into counseling. i just hate to go for counseling... as if i don't seem unbalanced enough.
You Are Unhappy...
... and are passing through a remarkable, but difficult, stage of life! Being a teen can be extremely trying...
The outcome of counseling will be very dependent upon how well you can explain what expectations you believe society and your parents have for you that you feel are beyond your reach.
Don't hold back from expressing all fears you may feel because of suspected social or academic inadequacy. You will likely learn that although the fears are real, you will be shown that they have no rational justification!
The counselor will have heard it all before... and you should know that he understands your angst. He is on your side!
Wishing you the very best... whether or not you choose counseling!
i'm just saying...
... that i'm a very difficult person to understand. i have no teen angst but i do fall short academically (a very true fact). and i must hold back my feelings because when i let them out they don't come out the way they should. like really messed up stuff comes out instead of what i want to come out, not that the messed up stuff is true. the messed up jumble of words is almost like a sort of involuntary mental defense to keep me from expressing my true feelings. but i sometimes question what my true feelings are... i just don't know. if i ever try to express my feelings it will have to be with a very, very, very close person who could understand me.
I Know That Feeling!
And the fear of appearing as a babbling nincompoop is a true impediment...
Under these circumstances... I'd just tell the counselor (assuming that you meet with one) about this difficulty. Btw... you have a lot of company!
I suggest that you write down an autobiographical sketch that you feel describes your feelings, likes, and fears.
Take your time... and revise... revise... until you feel that it describes just how you feel... and why, if you have hunches.
Try to make every sentence count. Keep it as a document on your computer --- years from now you will want to go back and re-read it (just to re-discover who you were)!
Print it out to take with you for your first meeting... It will save a tremendous amount of valuable time!
okay
i'll do what i can.
In the meantime...
I hope you got to check out S. L. Weiss. There was a particular selection (20+ years ago on LP) that was sheer magic. The LPs are in a foreign land... and I wish I could identify the selection so that I could acquire a current rendition...
wow
well i would love to hear more well performed versions on a better quality format, youtube videos only go so far. thanks for the help. :)