It's getting really late and I should really get to bed... but I feel like I must throw bits of brain on here before I do.
I would just like to start by saying I'm not depressed, nor are things out of control. Albeit some things are, but they are secondary... I'm more concerned with simply recounting... evaluating a sort of 'emptiness' (without a better word) I'm feeling.
In fact, things are going very well.
Socially, things are great. I've gone out everyday, caught up with friends, met many new people in the holidays. There are no dramas. I feel 'loved'.
In terms of boys, recently I've gotten with a few last week, and they were crazy and totally attached and I felt I was in control. Last night I also got told by V that her mate B really likes me. So this area hasn't really been a problem.
In terms of grades... I'm well above the pass mark for second year law school (I'm sitting on an A average). Financially I'm okay, I'm burning through a lot of my scholarship money, but they'll last for a few more months (with savings and aid from government).
I just want to know why I don't feel amazing when things seem to be going so well. Here comes the rant, or confusion whatever.
I feel like I'm NEVER goodlooking enough. I don't know how to put this aptly. I know I'm not ugly. I usually get cute. Sometimes I get hot. But I feel I can't trust it. I look at some of my friends. One has a kickboxing body, I want it. I go gym with him twice a week. Another has an AMAZING nose, I want it. I want a nosejob. Other friend has PERFECT skin, I'm jealous. I have the most unnecessarily complicated skincare routine. Another has a wider frame and I feel I need to grow taller despite being 6 foot 2 already.
It's usually just about vanity and my ego. Socially and personality wise I have no issue with myself. Narcissism is draining.
And I end up splurging on unnecesary (oh they were so necessary) things. I bought three really nice low cut shirts the other day. But then I'm not entirely happy because I'm not built enough to make it tight enough. I also bought the Jean Paul cologne. I need it. On many separate accounts I have heard it smells unbelievable.
Then there's the need to be a little reckless. When I go clubbing I drink and I get completely destroyed. And I enjoy it. I look forward to it. Because of australs and the weekend I've gotten drunk every night for two weeks. And when I get drunk I smoke like a chimney. I don't even enjoy it that much. I do it because some people find it hot. And annoying people will stay away. I've also thought about doing ecstasy... a lot... and having sex at the same time. I've had sex with someone on e but I wasn't. I'm so scared I'm excited.
And I really like this boy. But my ego's usually too big for me to approach him. He's hot. Usually I get crazy people that become attached and I don't have to do anything. But I need to get with many of them... I thrive on compliments and that sort of validation. In fact sometimes it's when I make an effort things don't turn out so well. Fuck that.
Yeah, whatever I'm tired I'm stopping there. Good night all.