Coke zero blurs my vision... or maybe I'm just tired. I was reading Lolita, it's so brilliantly written. I wish I could write like that, sometimes it leaves me disturbed and breathless at the same time.
So I had a haircut. Now it's very short down the front. The fringe's gone but the mullet is still going. I decided to keep the sideburns and I redyed it auburn again. I also got highlights but they're not showing through, but it doesn't really matter.
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone. I'll log onto facebook and stare blankly at the people on my friend's list. They're definitely not randoms but most of them aren't close friends either. I guess all I need is those few close friends I have, but looking at such a long list of people kind of makes me feel empty.
I guess I'm a lukewarm person. I used to be very friendly and nice, but now I'm very friendly and snobbishly reserved. I stopped trying to meet a new person everyday at university, it just seemed a bit contrived and I know enough people already. Only a while ago I had a friend tell me 'Person X said you're like the only person he can't talk to' and deep down I realised I've changed somewhere, but I also felt a disquieting sense of satisfaction. If you asked any of my friends from last year or looked at the comments signed on my grad shirt, they'd say I'm the 'nicest person ever' without hesitation.
But I'm a little disillusioned about being nice you know? I don't need to feel like I have to be friends with everyone. I'll have standards. Sometimes I want people to hate me even, at least that'll mean I stood for something.
I'm actually looking at my grad shirt right now. It's filled everywhere with 'keep in touch next year!'... we haven't. I haven't. They haven't. I guess people just drift apart. I guess I'm being too hard on myself, I still see many of them at uni, sometimes I catch up with them in town... but definitely not as often.
Maybe I just thought university is this magical place where I'll take on the world, meet new and lifechanging friends and become equipped and wise. But no, I'm 'stuck' with my wonderful group of friends and getting As for exams but not feeling I'm chasing anything worthwhile. I'm such a body of contradictions.
I feel like I'm not explaining myself right, I don't even know why I need to explain. I guess I felt like I wasn't the person I wanted to be, and I could afford being a little bit selfish sometimes.
There are too many people who need miracles in this world.