I almost feel too old for oasis now...and yet somehow not. hell, i doubt anybody other than tophat, draco, lore, and max remember me. I mean, I am 21 years old now, yet I still haven't really been in a normal relationship or been able to really get to the point where i can accept who i am. recently I have been having a lot of bad depression...really bad. like shit i shouldnt talk about on this site bad....but its been getting progressively worse, almost to the point it was when i was a kid.
I know jeff will say get over it, ya love cock, and all that shit, but still...
I mean, I had soo much bullshit going on in junior high w/ family shit and my own shit and depression, i never had a real relationship. never even really romantically kissed someone since it never felt right w/ a girl. idk,
I mean, recently i went to my doc, and he said he thought of me the other day when one of his co-docs was talking about a patient hes been seeing for 5 years who cant get over his mental blocks.
I am the same way. i know I am gay, know i cant change it, but i also cant bring myself to accept that lifestyle. I hate being labeled as LGBTQ, and yet i feel that society puts us into that box, and once we're there, we can never get out of it.
I feel trapped by my mental blocks, fam issues, and all kinds of other bullshit. I dont want to end up like my friends bro, whos in his 40's and denies who he is, but i feel that i cant accepy being gay either. I care too much what my friends think, and I guess a lifetime of being taught hate, bigotry etc from my dad has kind of concreted those beliefs in my head.
the more exposure to LGBT culture i get, i become more tolerant of it, as my shrink calls this 'exposure therapy' but i still dont know if i will ever get to the point where i can accept myself.
also, because of my depression, school is being affected. i keep missing class, cant sleep, and cant concentrate on what i need to. its gotten to the point where my whole life is affected.
IDk, i walk a fine line between going crazy and getting school done. between work, school, taxes, taking care of my dad, and all kinds of other shit, i am stressing to the max.
I also have to start taking better care of myself health wise. I weighed almost 200 today @ the doctors, and its not muscle. lol.
I have gotten soo outta shape its not even funny. my arthritis is also getting worse, which affects my ability to ride.
i guess i just needed to vent a little bit.
on the plus side, because i paid for my classes, i should be getting a nice tax break refund :)
your either a faggot or your not. and i dont want to be. I guess i feel the lifestyle i want to live i never can, and that kills me.