I went on a 'date' with Dan, the guy from my english class. I also went on a date with Tony the day after. But I never really wanted anything serious. I just wanted to have fun.

It's the holidays, and I haven't been able to for a while. I go through such extremes in my life. Before the break I was studying my ass off. I didn't party. I didn't drink. I didn't want attachment, relationship, boys, whatever.

And finally the break comes, and I've been able to go out a lot, and Dan and Tony seemed to come into my life at the right - and the same - time as well. I like to say I'll just go with the flow - some of my friends told me to. I want to, but I guess I'm just confused.

I was with Dan on Tuesday. He's a cutie. I met him in my english lecture. I talked to his friend a lot (sitting in between us), who was really bubbly. Dan didn't talk a lot, but he found my facebook and found out I'm 'not straight' so it sort of started from there. I thought he was really cute, and he said he was very quiet in the lecture cause he was into me (although he just met me) and was shy. He talked a lot more on the date. We got ice cream. We sat by the beach. I was his first kiss. He kept smiling. He also said I'm confusing. He said I'm mysterious.

I was with Tony the next day. The thing is I planned to hang out with Tony before I knew Dan, I just happened to hang out with Dan earlier. I met Tony at probably-the-only gay club in Auckland. He's German. We got bubble tea. His english is not very good, he laughs a lot, and he seemed to catch on to my sarcasm pretty fast. We made out in his apartment, then we went to this music concert. He said he's never met someone with such a 'strong character' and it makes him feel 'weak'. For some reason that made me feel good. I assume it means I'm confident and has a personality (a lot of people don't these days). Mind you, he is six years older than me, and I still feel like I'm in control. He's not as clingy. He did text me saying he has '"sehnsucht"' - which I found out means intense longing - and said he can't describe how happy he is. But at least he doesn't think we're going out like Dan.

I don't want a relationship. I have time now because it's mid-term break. I don't want to be emotionally attached - I'm so scared of that. But I made both of them so happy. And deep down that made me very happy too I could do that. But if that's going to happen again I'll have to choose.

And I hate choosing.