I feel so sad, I feel so alone, and I feel so defeated. I fail at life, I fail miserably. If I had of wrote this journal yesterday I would probably have been blabbering on about the nice day I'd had with Michelle on Friday. But I think I'm only happy when I'm actually deluded.
I met up with her on Friday, and it was nice. We met at the luas stop. I was there first, but needed to run into the chemist t on an errand. When I came back out she was standing there waiting. She looked so happy to see me. I could feel the smile the glowing smile on my face too, I couldn't hide it. We decided to have something to eat and then go to the cinema. It was really nice, we chatted about loads of stuff, normal things, nothing to do with the break up or her ex or anything. It was nice to just be normal, the way we had been when we first knew each other. I did feel some pangs of wanting, but at the same time I thought I had made progress, because when we had parted and I got home I felt happy that we had hung out, but we had then parted and gone our seperate ways. We weren't part of a relationship, and I thought I was finally at a stage where I didn't want to be either.
But this girl is like a drug. Everytime I think I'm ok and over it, the want comes back, the want and the sadness. She was online last night on msn. I couldn't help myself but start a conversation. We ended up chatting about projects first. I ended up spending about a half an hour trying to help her with work, then she had to go. She came back later, and I started another conversation with her. I swear I just seem to have no self control or respect, but she always chats back when I start. So I can't seem to help myself.
Then tonight my friend Alex text me asking to go to the pub. I agreed to go for one, mainly because I knew she would be there. Her ex was also lurking around. We bumped into her first when we walked in, but proceeded past her, well Alex said hello. He confuses me so much, he knows the hurt and pain this woman actively caused me, and yet he is still lovely to her. I just don't understand. Well myself and Alex went and sat downstairs, and then Michelle came in. There I was fixated on her again. Feeling all my feelings flooding back.
She chatted to me a little within the group of people that were there. She seemed intent on getting drunk, which she did. She looked kind of depressed after a while though. I had been planning on catching my last bus home, instead of needing to take a taxi. But I ended up staying, mainly cause I was hoping to spend a little more time with her, and maybe walk a bit with her as we have to walk in the same direction for a while before I take a taxi and she goes home.
In the end myself, Alex and Michelle decided to leave and get some food before heading home. It was then she said she had been drinking loads because she thought she would get a crowd going to a club later on and she was down because nobody else was up for it. I felt a little silly for thinking maybe she was feeling a little sad and missed me. After we had food, alex went home and myself and Michelle walked in our direction, as I had hoped, but she didn't seem very interested at all. She was walking briskly enough, then she said something which was kind of revealing on her thoughts on me, well I think anyways, and it stung a little. In the pub myself and Alex had been chatting, and I had mentioned once Summer comes I want to just go out and have fun as much as I can, because right now I am in final year in college and its just not possible. So while we were walking along she mentioned it. She says so you're going to be a new girl in Summer having fun, can't wait to see that. Then she said do you actually be working on projects all the time you say you do. Maybe I'm over reacting. But it hurt a bit. I feel like she thinks I'm boring or something.
I'm still completely caught up with this girl, who probably couldn't give a fuck if I lived or died really.