I think I'm starting to feel relief from the fog that has been hanging over me for the last few months. There was a blip yesterday, but overall I am starting to feel better. I think things are going to be difficult for me for a while, but I will cope.
I've stopped trying to force myself to be ok with certain situations regarding my ex. It's been difficult because we are part of the same group of friends who go out on the scene together. I am close to a few in the group, and the others are really only aquantences(can't spell that). I have decided to surrender this group to her. I'll stay friends with the ones I am close to, but I am moving on. I have a choice, I can sit around and leave my emotions in someone elses hands, and cling onto whats already gone, or I can take charge of my life and make an effort to go out and meet new people and move on.
It feels a little strange, because in many respects I feel as though I am in a similar place as I was this time last year. I had a few gay friends, but I was still struggling to be out and be on the scene, and just expand my social circle. When I got into a relationship many parts of my life came to a standstill and I was just engulfed in my new little world. I feel like I am doing a lot of things for the second time around, and have a second chance on getting some things sorted out too.
I need to finish coming out. My dad is still oblivious, and there are still friends who don't know. I just want to be openly gay. That is where I need to get to. I need to be out, I need to be open, and I need to be happy. I think I am starting to take back some control of my emotions and life.