I did something today I've never done before, actually been turned to tears at a television show. I was continuing to watch the final season of 6 feet under. Great show.

There's this old guy in the show, married to one of the characters, but he was emotionally unstable, and then they show you a lot of the reason why.
It shows him, maybe 6, sitting in a kitchen, fairly dirty house.
His mom kept him home from school, and he asks her why. She just said she wanted him there with her.
And she's cooking him a meal. And the whole time she's popping pills. And she keeps talking about how horrible life is. Her husband left her alone with the kid... "Life sucks sometimes. We all try our best, but on our high heels and lipstick, and go to work every day, and things just keep getting worse." Then she gives him his plate.
She comes over, and you can see how TIRED she looks, and how defeated. She sits next to him, and keeps popping pills. He asks her what the pills are for. "Mommy hurts" She says.
Then she says to him, "I'm very tired, and I'm going to sleep now. I want you to hold my hand. You know you're everything to me? I love you so much. You are my life."
And then she just puts her head down, and quietly dies right there. A victim of suicide.

That was just so sad to me, because I wonder what sort of curveballs life has thrown at this woman, to make her so defeated and just worn out, that she'll take her own life in front of her son. And it makes me sad that she loved her son so much, but couldn't find the will to live even for him.

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Anyway, this is on a completely different note, I made everything work today. I did the Math Counts, and I got to my swim meet. Late, and I missed an event or two, but things worked out just fine.
I didn't drop any time on the 50 free though. I think I've hit a temporary wall.
I was at 30.00 for almost a year. And I was at 49.40 for MORe than a year. It happens. Then you all of a sudden get rapid improvement.
There's another meet next weekend, but I think I have to face that I'm not getting sectionals.
Well, that's okay. It makes me no less of a person, or of a swimmer for that matter. I just have to push through it.
And anyway, I went to PNS champs, where people come from all over the state to come to. So that's good enough for me.
Also, keep in mind, I'm practically a baby. Only 13. My coach told me she's a lot more worried about 3 years from now than 1 month.

And, there's this guy on the team, Chris, fairly new, just shot up from the lower swim classes into the senior class me and the others swim in. He's 12, and pretty shy. He keeps to himself.
Anyway, my coach told me today to go associate with him. She's all about a good social network, and I'm the best pick to get emotionally invested. We're both pretty fast, so we'll go to higher meets together, and hardly a year apart in age.
He's pretty cool, you just have to make the first move.

Still, right now I just can't help just feeling so hopeless from that 6 feet under scene... I'm just worn out. I've stopped sleeping through the night, something that I've been doing for years and years. My shoulder continues to pain me, although it gets a little better once it loosens up.