I need to get a REALLY irritating alarm clock.

The (relatively) gentle beep...beep...beebeebeebeebeeep isn't doing it for me.

It's gotta go like, "Hey. It's time to get up, you homo! Yeah, that's right, you confused closet-heterosexual! Women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen! Anti-choice! All babies want to be born!" and other obnoxious things like that. Then I'd probably drag my ass over and smash the thing.

Problem is, I'd need a new clock every day, or I'd have to get really good at putting together tiny pieces of scrap metal and clock hands.

Design a better alarm clock. Or an entire wake-the-hell-up system.

In other news, I figured out that the third hand on a clock is called the second hand because it measures SECONDS. Gosh. English.