I'm in love. I'm not.

On Wednesday, the day I arrived back in New Zealand, I went out like I said I would. I was tired. I hadn't slept on the plane. But I didn't want to stay in my room, I wanted to be free, to be with my friends and forgetting things.

There was this new guy in our group. Let's call him M. My mates met him during the holiday. It was his party that Wednesday. When I met him, he said J told him a lot about me, nice things. I said same here. He reminds me of B, someone I had a crush on - but so much more chilled.

He totally doesn't care I'm gay. But neither do most people I know - but the cool thing is - he doesn't even have to tell me that, he sees right past it. It's not what defines me.

It was so cool seeing so many people again. But my attention was elsewhere.I have a massive crush on M. He is probably the most adorable person I have met ever. After his party, me, J, JK, and M walked around town doing crazy things when its already past midnight.

First we started chasing this milk truck and sitting on the back of it lol. It was so epic. Until the guy found out so we ran off... then we started chasing it again. It was so pointless. Which made it so awesome.

Then we found these scaffoldings in this construction site and we started climbing it. We climbed so high and all over the place it was so dangerous - it was so cool. J tore his pants which was hilarious. JK and I decided to do something to mark our territory... we kept climbing until we saw this guard watching television across the platform - then we all gapped lol. You have no idea how scary that was. It was also very pointless. Which also made it awesome.

Then we wondered down one of the biggest streets in New Zealand, quay street - the biggest port in New Zealand. We thought it'd be funny to move all these barricades and cones which blocked the entire road lol. We totally caused like a four-car trafic jam at like 3am. We are the master of chaos... until the city council got alerted. Then we gapped... again. Lol.

Man I love M. But I almost hooked up with his friend JM that night. Except JM's so in the closet it's depressing. We'd hug each other, and he'd let me kiss him all over - but he wouldn't kiss me back. He said he "wasn't sure if he was inclined that way". Bullshit. What sort of straight guy smiles at another guy, flirts with him hard out, eye rapes him, tells him he looks 'exotic', and lets him kiss his face, his ears, his lips, but wouldn't admit he's queer? I can tell he's probably nervous. He told me he's never been with a guy. M said he's really in the closet - but M also JM wants to hook up with me when we go to Margy's. Well, I got pissed off so I ditched him.

I'm in love with M instead. He's the most beautiful thing ever. He has so much energy. He's so bubbly. I got upset when I got really drunk because of all the stress with my family (I didn't say anything... I just cried a little). First P and H came and hugged me. Then M came and held my hand - and I wished he would kiss me. Instead he hugged me, tightly, in his arms.

The four of us stayed at his house. In the morning I realised he had written "The Man" on my arm... and there was this massive penis drawn on his chest. I think during the night I had told him "shirts off or you're queer". So he took his shirt off. It was so funny - because everybody knows I'm the queer one.

Oh my God. M.