Dear Beloved Friends
Today i a going infront of a judge, my preacher, my school's superintendant, and my own parents. And they're going to ask me a question i've been trying to find the answer too since i first discovered my homosexuality.
"What's wrong with you?"
I have thought deeply on this for years...since i first looked at a boy and thought of how precious his kiss would feel connected with mine. And last night, i was driven to a brink. I reached a damn in my ever flowing river's path. And i must break this threshhold if i am to know who i am and why.
But becuase of my troubles last night, i called a few numbers, seeking psychiatric help. If you would read my last Journal Entry you'd know how badly i need it. And now...they are sending a psychiatric screener to my meeting. And they will decide whether i'm sane or not.
Who are they to judge me? Who are they to say they know what i'm like when they have never lived the life i have. Walk a mile in my shoes, and see how many nails you have to pull out of your foot.
And now i'm being judged by all that ever mattered to me at the same time, my family. They will also contribute to where i go from here and after in life. My parents have been talking, i hear them...about gay christian camps. Gay CONVERSION camps...
I never did believe these thngs worked...but for the first time since my uncle Mike's death...i'm afraid. You must understand, i am a very intimidating guy. I'm tall, strong, broad, and i'm smart. I worked hard all my life to obtain a sense of domination on my surroundings. And now...i must face something bigger than me for the first time in a long time. And THAT is scary. I'm going against my own religion, i'm going against everything i've ever been taught is right and wrong. My own raising...is now my own possible downfall.
I am trialed, placed on this stand because i stood up for homosexuals in a physical fight. He was a hatred stricken homophobe, and i was standing up for someone smaller than him. That poor boy...he still thanks me to this day.
And now, i have things to say.
I am Sam, i AM gay. And you all...are my brothers and sisters.
I love my sisters and my brothers with all that i am.
Though i am new to this family, you are never too young to be someone's brother.
And now, it is time for me to go. Whether it be to a camp in attempts to change me. A hospital to help me. Or just back home to let you all know how it went. Whether any of these happen...please know...i love you all.
I am here to say, we will not go down. I am here to say we won't throw in the towel anymore, or lay down and take kicks from the boot of those against us because of petty disgust towards a people. A strong people. A sometimes devided, but never truely left behind people. Just as some of you have already, you will find your fight in this world for what you believe in. I've found mine.
All i ask my brothers, my sisters, is that you all do me a favour. I want you to wish me luck. And to continue what i have started. Stand for who you are. Others have and have come out victorious. We are no different. We deserve love in the forms we know it best.
I am your brother, and i love you.
P.s. "Don't cry because i'm gone...smile, because i was here."