and die at the same time...To Lose my Life by White Lies. I like this song, but sometimes I wonder if I'll end up growing old with somebody. I mean you can't really know, right?
I went to the library and got some books: Gandhi on Non-Violence, Not Turning Back: The History of Feminism and the Future of Women, and Freedom's Daughters. I'm studying nonviolence now, watching some college video lectures, that's homeschooling history. =) I need to brainstorm for some essay ideas.
That was drabble, but not what I really meant to write. I feel off lately, like I'm stuck and time is moving oh so slow and too quickly at the same time, but either way I'm not really experiencing it. I've felt this way to varying degrees all school year, but now it's like a constant state of existence. I think I'm just going through the motions most of the time. I don't know what to do, what to change. I kind of feel like I'm not really engaged in things sometimes, there's just this weird gap or something. I think I'm just tired of things, but there's not much I can do about that, things are what they are. The things I do have control over, like say telling my family I'm bi, is oh so tempting, yet too terrifying. I'm paranoid and I always think of the best and worst case, but really I believe in always preparing for the worst. I keep imagining blowouts and fights, yelling and crying, denial, shock and a following state of mutual discomfort that shifts everything too far apart, and I think about getting kicked out of my house.
I might just be overthinking, but I honestly don't know what would happen. Out of every way I think it could go, I just don't see any outcome of it just being okay. And I wonder how long do I have to go along placating everybody. How long do I hide and avoid and lie by omission? I wonder when is it enough? When I'm supposed to stop and say something, or if I'll even be able to see that it must stop when the moment comes.
I just want to have control over something. To be able to be myself without fear of reprisal. I need to sleep now, gotta get up early.