Today in class, we had an awesome sub in orchestra.
Then we started tuning, and he got on the piano, and played an A for us to tune to. Since with our regular teacher we tune by 5ths, all to the A, I started doing that. With a GUSTO.
Actually, we were tuning one string at a time, and then he chewed me out in front of the entire class, and for some reason that crushed me.
And what I thought was weird was that there was a part of me that was completely unnafected and was thinking about how to remedy this best the whole time. I decided that most of my methods are usually long term, and would not work on a one period scale, so I had to use the lame plan of being a boy scout for the rest of class, then telling him how bad I really felt at the end of class with an apology.
What really dumbfounds me here is that part of me was making plans for how a sub I might never see again might like me the best before he goes. I'm such a people pleaser, it has been programmed into my brain.
When I'm with different people and in different places, I completely change, for how to have the people there like me the best, often without me even realizing I'd changed.
Some friends come to me, but sometimes, and often subconsciously, I decide I like someone, so then I want to be friends, and subconciously the whole time I'm gathering info about them and how be their friend the best. Then I move in with subtle contact, usually just a helping hand at first.
And if I change to fit my surroundings, do I really have a central being? Do I have a central personality? The Japanese believe people don't. I'm starting to believe them. I act differently wherever I am, and in new situations I completely deactivate for long enough to determine the best personality to adopt.
Why do I do this? Why is this subconscious? Is this weird?