Today's the day...today has a lot of signifigance to me. Today marks the day my uncle Mike, rest his troubled soul, killed himself.

He was the first person to introduce me to the gay life style. He was a gay man, the only one in the history of my family. He was troubled however, having kids already with a wife of previous years...he was like eighteen and it ended at nineteen. He came out to his kds...who hated him for it. His former wife took his kids away just as they started to come around and start to TRUELY love him again. And then...my father introduced him to a woman...a slut, a whore...and my poor uncle Mike, after drinking a bottle of Vodka, slept with her. My father woke him up the next morning (the girl was already gone with his wallet) and congradulated him on "comeing back to the real, straight life style". He shot himelf the next day with my grandfather's revolver.

He was the first person i ever came out to...and i loved him dearly. Any other day of the week, i'm a normal guy. You can hardnly tell that i'm ever upset until today is upon us. It's the one year anniversary. My dad...he killed him. He killed my uncle Mike. He ruined my first trusting relationship with a family member in a world where i am a confused, troubled, and lost person.

I may never forgive him for what he did...he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve anything. That's why mom left you, isn't it DAD!? She couldn't deal with you being so controling and overbaring! That's why i'm in and out of mental hospitals DAD! I'm slowly dying, i'm losing who i am, i'm being tossed and turned in your wake and i'm being torn apart by it! My life revolves around me keeping secrets from you, and that racist, sexist, over religious and over-zealous bitch i must refer to as "mother"! I don't trust either of you! I can't! Uncle Mike couldn't, why should i!? You know...even i've thought of leaving you guys. And i don't just mean leaving you as a family, i mean leaving you behind on my road to hell! THAT'S RIGHT! You don't like me alive? How about in a casket!

But NOOO! I will stay here! I will not only stay here to watch you suffer, but i will sit here with a front row seat so i can watch you burrrrrrn! i know you all have what's coming...i will watch you two lose what i lost years ago...my grip of reality! You will slowly lose your sence of what's rite, what's wrong...and you will follow me in suit as you fall and spin out of control into the burning abiss that is the hells you will create for your very own suffering and my enjoyment!

After all...i don't want you to win do I!? OH FUCK NO! I won't let you win! You won't make me fall like my uncle Mike did! I will win! I WILL COME UP THE VICTOR! I WIIIIILLL BEAT YOU!

Oh and...here's the best part...hahaha! When you are at rock bottom. Complete recks from the top to the bottom of your burning, bleading, and bashed in souls...as you wait for the doctors to ask YOU the stoupid questions, and for them to question YOUR SANITY...i will lean forward and whisper.

"It's all my fault...i did this for you...now please...rot in hell for me, won't you? And if you see Uncle Mike, he has a little secret to tell you about your lost little son."

Let me leave you all with a message...tomorrow i will not be like this. I will be like this never happened, i will be someone else. A happier person. It's just tongiht...only now...on this night do i become who i am now. Now if you'll excuse me...it's a long walk to te garden...Mike's gonna love the flowers i grew him.