So I went and met her in person today. Unfortunatly due to being snowed in yesterday(there was no public transport), we ended up breaking up over instant messanger. Which in some respects made things easier, beacause it gave us slightly more time to think about what we were saying to each other and articulating things.
I finished work at two in the afternoon. We had arranged yesterday to meet up today. So I text her and told her I was on my way. I decided to walk the half hour, than take a tram. It was a really icy, slippy walk, but I didn't really care. I was trying to build myself up to be ok when I got there. I listened to upbeat music on my ipod and I wondered why we were doing this. I wondered why I was going to see her. We had said everything yesterday to each other that we could possibly say about it. I thought we were just prolonging it.
I got there and waited for her to come down to let me into the apartment complex. As i saw her though the glass doors approaching me, I had to turn away. I couldn't look. I don't know why. I just couldn't look. The time in the lift getting to the apartment seemed endless and it was painful. We went straight to her room when we got there, as her flat mate was home.
It was odd. Her room had been tidied and neat and she had some music playing...and when i walked in I felt it...I felt why I needed to go see her. I could feel the change. She still has the card I fot her for Christmas on her locker-to my girlfriend. But I feel like i can't belong in there anymore. Safely tucked into my side of the bed.
We stood there for a while. Then we didn't know what to do, so we hugged, and we started to cry. So we sat down, and we sat in silence for a few moments. Then she started to apologise. She is sorry for this situation, for all the fights, for everything. It all makes sense to her now, as it did to me yesterday when she told me she still had unfinished business, unfinished feelings for her ex. I understood why her behaviour was so odd towards her, and finally she also understood. She understood my insecurites, because she finally admitted to herself they were valid ones.
Then I started to sob. I couldn't help it. Really loud gasping sobs, and she held me, she held me so tight, and I just didn't want to let go. Then she too started to sob. Then after a few minutes we just sat there again.
A small part of me doesn't understand this break-up. She wants to be with me, and she says she cares. But she has too much unfinished business with this other woman. I don't understand if she could want me enough that she could let that get in the way. But at the same time I know she needs to sort that stuff out and she can't while in our relationship, because I cannot deal with that. Well I think I have answered my question there. But it is so confusing.
It's strange but at the end of our relationship, I now feel closer to her than I did at any time during it. She finally just let me into every aspect of her and we understood each other. When we said all we had to say about our relationship, we had to talk about where we go from here. I want to be in her life, and she wants to be in mine. I start exams in a week and am not sure how to deal with this and the first half of my final exams.
Everyone is telling us we can't be friends because it wont work. I would like to defy them. But giving it a lot of thought when I got home I don't think we can be friends right away. But cutting her out completely is going to drive me insane too. I am thinking to do it in small stages. We decided we wouldn't see each other for two weeks. I ended up chatting to her tonight via msn. I am glad I did. But slightly annoyed that I couldn't even wait a whole day. But it also made me realise how much I need to start showing restraint.
My sister advised that if I stay away from her completly for a while, that she might see sense and stop allowing things with this other woman to get in on her, and realise what we had together is special. As opposed the cheating, lying, manipulative whore who is ruining us.
I think as of tomorrow I will suspend all online accounts, which are a window of communication for us. Even if it doesn't make her see. Not talking to her will help me start moving on.
I still wish I had of known her first.