I. Hate. Winter. And South Dakota. Don't ever come here, ever. As if anyone would want to. It's 2 AM, and I can't sleep.. what's new! This month-long Christmas break kills my normal sleeping schedule every time. What I spend most of my time doing instead of sleeping is combing every part of me for reasons about why I can't seem to get one of my best friends off my mind. Shortly after I came out to her (a few months ago), we would get drunk, share a bed, cuddle, and come very, very close to hooking up. I knew it was really only a matter of time until we finally did. Eventually, we did. And it's weird because I can't remember who initiated it. I left the room to use the bathroom before bed, came back to her laying on the couch, which was my bed for the night (I called it!). Of course, I was my stubborn self and tried to push her off, which somehow turned into spooning on this tiny couch, and that of course led to hardcore make-out session. When I say hardcore, I mean moaning and grinding and licking and straddling. Hardcore. Oh, btw, our other friend was passed out on in the same room, how she didn't hear and wake up I will forever ponder. The thing is, before any of this, I had never, ever thought about her in this way. Not at all, and now I think about her a lot. So, I'm not sure if I like her or I just really, really liked kissing her. I don't get the usual feelings I do when I'm in like with someone. She doesn't make my heart race or my palms sweat or make butterflies go crazy in my tummy. But why, then, am I engulfed with thoughts of her? And not really her, but just the things we've done.
After the hardcore make-out session, we talked about it because she wasn't sure what it meant for her. She had never been attracted to another girl before me, and had just recently started thinking about kissing me. I think after I came out to her she realized she was curious, and had the resources to explore this curiosity. I think she was just being a curious George, and that's that. I need to get past it. It's probably just because she was the last person I've done that with, so until I whore myself out to someone that is not her, I will be left thinking about her. I think, perhaps, it also has to do with the fact that I am bored out of my mind, not at school keeping busy, so my mind wanders to things I haven't thought about in forever. Like, I haven't even thought about what happened with us for a long, long, long time. This break just needs to end, and I need to start classes again. Oh, and actually see people besides my family.
I love college...and I love drinking. Yes, from that song by Eminem's wannabe.
Yup, that's all. I just needed to work things out outside of my thoughts.