My meeting couldn't have gone worse, i'm expelled from school, possibly kicked out permanantely. I'm seeing a psychologist, and i'm being spit on by my ex-friends for standing up for my homosexual brothers in arms. And you know what? I feel amazing!
Today, i walked in there with a beaten, battered, and bruised soul. I walked in there with very visable scars of hatred, and torment. Scars that only come from YEARS of mistreatment. And i'll be damned if i didn't hold them like a proud flag. This Journal post holds more than just what happened "today". It holds what will lead to the rest of a new chapter of my life.
Today i walked in there, my hat on straight, my chin up high, and a rainbow necklace around my neck. I sat down in the chair before them all, and for the first time in a long time...i told what's the matter. Of course, they never listoned...but they didn't have to. Becuase something snapped in me that moment. I, for once in my cold, dark, miserable life; exclaimed to people against me that i wouldn't go down no matter what!
I told them my story, that's rite! I was HEARD! And when i finished i smiled and smirked at them. They looked at my in curiousity. And when my mother asked me, quite angry at the sight. "And what in god's name are you smiling at!?" I turned to her, smiled my most genuine grin and replied. "I'm smiling at you, mother. And at how far you made it in life...and i'm proud to tell you. Both as a brag and as reasurance to make you feel better...that i WILL make it farther than you did."
She muttered something to the measurement of "No gay man will ever make it farther than i did in life...".
And i? I smiled at this. It is how a parent smiles at their child's confusion and ignorance towards life. I think it is both pathetic,and somewhat sad that they don't understand who i am and why i am the way i am. And the saddest thing is...they won't accept it either. But why do i smile? Because i have finally seen all this plain before me. I now see...i am more than them.
I am no better of value, but i am a bettter person than them. I broke a barrier today. And now i'm happily relaxing on the other side. My battle is won, and i can feel every part of me, every pore of my body jumping up and down wihtin me. Exclaiming my name! Cheering me on!
And i smiled in that conference room. My smirk confused them. I suppose they were in complete shock to see my being a proud teen walking into this. They expected the same me they got for years. Unnopen, un-caring, and inactive. But no! I stomped in, i beat my chest, i shouted from where i sat and wherever and whenever i go the chance to stand. "I am gay! Don't like it? Tough!" I told them all about my issues in school and on the street. Of course, they shrugged it all off saying i'm exagerating. But that's not the point! I got it out!
And when i walked out of that conference room, i was wearing my broadest smile ever. I felt proud of who i am, for the first time...probably since i found my sexuality. And i could hear them talking in the conference room, all of them...were in complete awe at me. My father however, remained silent. I knew from experience...he was thinking, and for that much i am grateful.
I stepped into my father's large house, and i put my coat on a chair. I truned around, and i found myself...in a hug. I was surprised...but heard words being spoken over my shoulder. And they were all the same.
"I'm sorry. I love you. I love my Son. I want him back. Please...i'm sorry."
And i nodded, i put my arms around my poor old dad, and i told him how i loved him back. I told him that he never lost me in the frist place, but i am still happy to be back. And of course...he will always be frogiven. We stood here fora long time...a few times...my elderly dad cried as i comforted him in my tight hug.
We sat down, and he asked me questions about my life. How i've truely been. What i feel like now. Questions about who i am now in life, and most of all, am i am happy like this. I told him i was, and he lowerd his head in a bit of shame. He told me that he was prouder of me than he ever has been. And that he was afraid he has been the very father he hated the most...his own.
I walked over, and i held him to my chest, and he hugged me back. I felt my blood coursing through my veins. I felt my heart thumping in my chest, and i was grateful for the first time that i had HIS blood in my veins. I was proud to have him as a father. I love him. I'm happy with him. And now, we are a team again. Just like back in my hetero days.
I went to my room, and i sat down and looked out my window at the moon. It was so big, had such lustrous beauty that i just knew it shined for me tonight. Just for me...my very own moonlit night.
I pulled out my guitar, and i sang songs i haven't sang in a long time. Happy songs. Songs of rejoice and smiles and love. For all these things are what i see coming. For me and all i am around. Slowly...with my father's help...i will find my way to a happily ever after.
I am Sam!.
I am Gay!
I have found my peace grounds!
I am proud of where i am, who i am, and will never be ashamed of it again!
And i know, if there was a crowed...they'd be rite here in my room...going absolutely wild.
Everly Grateful fo The Best Support I Could Have Ever Gotten.